My Peanut Gallery

AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO PISSED OFF!

Why? Why do I have to be related to ____________?(fill in the blank. ANY word will do.)

A couple of weeks ago my mom called to complain about a situation with my 19 year old sister. Complaining about the same bullshit she called me about 3 times previously.

I'll admit, I kinda lost it and was pretty harsh on her. I told her there was nothing I could do about it- she needed to figure out what she was gonna do and just do it. Quit calling me to bitch. I'm not the mom. And I'm sick of everyone in the family acting like fucking children. If you have a problem with L then call her.

My family is a toxic waste dump.

That is not an exageration.

At every get together we talk shit about the person who didn't show up. Because inevitably at every get together so and so is not talking her and he is not talking to them, so we never have our whole family together at one time. God forbid we suck it up and try to get along FOR 1 FUCKING DAY. And when we're not talking about each other at get togethers we are doing it on the phone.

And I? I get to be crowned Queen Bitch. Why? hmm.... let me count the ways.

1. I keep my opinion to myself unless they ask me. Then I don't pull any punches. I don't care if they don't like what they hear.
2. If they call me and ask if i said this or that I will tell the truth
3. But I am also going to tell them exactly what you said
4. I am not passive agressive like everyone else in my family. If I have a problem with you, you will know it. From me, not another family member.
5. Then there is the fact that I have things. This KILLS them, since none of their sorry asses can keep a job to pay for their own things.

So I get to be the "bitch who thinks she's better" than the rest of them because I don't want to waste my time talking about them, and because I'm an actual fucking grown up with a job and a house and 2 cars- that I can actually afford to pay for.

Anyway, I told my mom all that and what does she do? She calls my sister and talks shit about how I called her(my mom) a child and that I think she is treating L like a child by letting her live in her house and do whatever (which I did say and more- and I told L that) And that I was mad at L (which I never said).

Last week I called my mom to see if she wanted to babysit. I call her first because she gets mad If she finds out I had someone else watch him without asking her to do it. So, I called her and she hedged around and didn't give me an answer, instead of just saying- "I'm still upset with you so I don't really want to come over", she just said she would call me back. She never did. Because she thinks I care if I talk to her. She used to know better. What I do care about is the fact that by "punishing" me, she has not seen my son in over a month. That's not fair to him and if she can't grow up then I will remove her from his life completely while he is still young enough to forget about her.

I'm sick of the petty bullshit. I'm sick of the he said she said. And I'm pretty much at the point where I'm just over my whole family.

And by now I'm sure you are sick of reading about it.

Sorry

Because Bubba does not want to live in the house where "annie" died, he and his 10 month old are living with his dad and step mom. Once the twins are born they will also be there and there is just not enough room in the house, so the back porch is going to be taken down and they are adding an extra family room/playroom and bedroom. Only they don't really have the money to do that. Hence, the benefit.

I have to say that we were amazed at the turn out on saturday. More than 100 people showed up to help support Bubba's family.

So many people donated things to help:

• one girl spent all day painting the kid's faces
• someone brought a bounce house
• someone else brought a dunk tank- and I just have to say that when J was sitting up there, there was a line to dunk his ass. heh.
• The VFW lent out the hall and donated all of the food and staffing for the event
• 2 bands came out to play

I have never been more proud of the community I live in and the people I know.

What was raised:

• Over $8,500
• all of the labor for the addition was donated
• all of the concrete block was donated
• all/any construction/engineering plans for permitting are being drawn up free of charge

And all of that is just what was there at the end of the benefit. From what I understand, people that were unable to come have donated after the fact.

I wish there was never a reason to have that benefit, but I think "annie" was there in spirit, helping to make it something for everyone to be proud they participated in.

So, we went to a benefit for "annie's" family on saturday. It was an awesome example of our community but I will write about it later because I feel Ick and so I don't think I can aptly describe the amazingness of it all right now.

Ick, i tell you.
runny nose
hot sweats/ cold chills
soooooooo tired

fucken allergies.

Yes that is how I delude myself I roll. I am not sick. I never get sick. I just have a lot of allergies.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I wonder if my boss would get mad if I take a quick little nap.....................

"take bean-o before, and there will bean-o gas after" ( or however the hell the commercials go)

I always laugh at the women on these commercials because 1. do woman really stand in the buffet line talking about their gas?(after further introspection I have come to the conclusion that, yes, some overly shareful people *ahem* would do that), and 2. Who has gas that bad?

Answer: I do.
Having never been a vegetable person, I didn't know that they will really do that to you.

Diet=lots of vegetables=GAS

That's what I get for laughing at those poor bloated women.
Karma, what a bitch.

I sure hope that valtrex thing doesn't come back to haunt me.

• It's friday.
• It's Payday. (for J which means it's a bigger payday ;)
• tonight Dia is going to JC's house.
• that means I will be getting a manicure and pedicure for only $30.
• I lost 1lb so far this week.
• I'm rockin the pigtails today. (it doesn't matter if the only reason my hair looks like this is because it's too short for a normal ponytail and I didn't have time to do it this morning, I'm still rockin them)
• It's friday!

I wrote a whole post about how my friend D knows I'm on a diet and came into my office to offer me chocolate.

And then I erased it.

Some of the best writing I've ever read has been on blogs. Sometimes it's about a person's struggle to overcome their situation- heartbreak, family crisis,death, sometimes it's poignant childhood stories, first times, best friends, vacations. Sometimes it's a funny mess they have gotten themselves into. Or an experience they are going through.

Some of these stories make me laugh out loud, and some of them make me cry silently. Each one, pulling some kind of emotion out of me.

I thought about all of the eloquent posts I read everyday and how those posts can have enough importance to affect some people's lives.
And as I re-read my post, I thought to myself that's it? that's all you have to say to the world today? and so I erased it.

and then I thought some more.

And I realized that more than likely those people might be better writers than I am but they are also going through things in their life that I don't have to deal with right now.

In thinking about it,I came to the conclusion that I am okay with a diet undermining friend and my need for a nap, being the only things I have to write about today.

Whoo hoo, my very first meme tag, courtesy of carrie.

Post five things about yourself that you have never posted about before.

hmmmm........

1. While walking through the Washington D.C. Zoo my husband was "attacked" by a little orange monkey. (attacked is what he calls it. It really just ran up his back and jumped off of his shoulder.)
2. I was in labor for 30 hours. I don't know why I haven't ever posted about peanuts birth.
3. At 18 I had an affair with a married man. I thought he was seperated (he had his own appt.) and when I found out he was still sleeping with his wife I told her I was sleeping with him also. She didn't believe me, even after I told her details. She flat out called me a liar. So I kept sleeping with him.
4. I have never had a broken bone.
5. On halloween, the year I was 13, my friend and I put dog shit in a paper bag, put it on our nasty neighbors door step, and lit the bag on fire. She came out in her open toed house slippers and stomped it out. It was Awsome. Dog shit was everywhere.

Okay, my turn.

Joy, your it!

In less than 1 hr I will be visiting you for my yearly female checkup. I have never been to your office and I did not get your name from my friends, I got it off of my health insurance provider list, so I don't really know what kind of behavior to expect from you.

I do, however, have some requests.

Please. Please, do not try to conversate with me while you're all up in my bizness. No talking, I am busy staring at the ceiling and pretending to be elsewhere. I can't do that if you're jabbering stuff at me.

Please, for the love of god, before you put your gloves on, run your hands under some hot water so that they are not cold enough to cause me frost bite on my girly bits.

This is the one time a year I am all about the wham bam thank you ma'am. In and out. Okay? Crank me open, swab me up and tell me to get dressed.

And one last thing.
Are you renting out the closets as storage for the morgue? Please. Turn. UP. the temp. on the thermostat. No really, I would like to "just relax", I would love to. But that's somewhat of a mission impossible after my shivering body has stiffened up from the creeping case of hypothermia.

In short, if you could be Just Like My Last doctor, who I love and who used to be done within 5 minutes and then let me get dressed before taking me into his office to discuss anything pertanent and who I would still be going to if it wasn't a 2 hr drive, then I will love you forever.

Thank you,
1peanut

The zoo was fun, except for waiting in traffic for 45 minutes to park because So Many People showed up, and 1 other thing.

Towards the end of our day we bought tickets to go on the animal safari and because the line was so long they brought out another tram for the ride. We were in the first group to go on it and when we sat down it was covered in dust. meh, what ever, not a big deal. At the end of the ride the driver returned all of our tickets and apologized for the tram being so dirty. We had to leave soon so we were trying to figure out what we want to do next to use up the tickets.

"If we each get 1 more ticket we could go on the skyride."
What?! What did you just say?!
"Are you sure? I know you don't like that."
"I'll be fine. we have to go soon, lets just go use up the tickets."
No. NO. NO. nononononoononnnonooooooooooooooo......
Shut up, it will be FINE!

5 minutes later......
"Are you ok?"
"*mumble something*"
oh god.
"Are. You. Ok?"
"uhhhhh,....."
we're gonna die, oh god why are we swaying. no no non nonononno don't stop. why are we stopping? NO don't stop here! It's too windy. Please, please keep going.
"Breath"
I DON'T WANT TO BREATH. I WANT TO GET OFF OF THIS DEATH TRAP.
"You need to breath!"
"okay, okay...... I'm breathing."
I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna pass out. *starts hypervrentilating*
"Hope! Goddamnit deep breaths. Deep. We will be okay. This thing seems much safer than the one at Busch Gardens. Don't look down if it bothers you."
"okay"
don't. don't do it. don't look. oh god. what is wrong with you? why? why are you looking?
"Your face is really pale."
*peanut starts to wiggle towards the lap bar*
"DON'T MOVE PEANUT! DO. NOT. MOVE."
"You need to calm down. Look we're not even that high. It's only about 50 feet."
50 feet? that's like the 4th or 5th floor of a building. OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA FALL 4 STORIES. will it be possible to cushion peanuts fall if I hit the ground first? But then how will I protect him from being crushed by this damn chair thing if lands on top of us?
"How are you feeling?"
"Like I need to puke."
don't start crying you little baby, this was your freakin idea.
"Breath, deep. slow. breaths. We're almost to the end. Close your eyes and see if that helps."
"Look mommy the dragon lizard"
"uh huh, I see it baby."
"But your eyes are closed mommy"
whimper
"look we're almost there, we're getting closer to the ground."

1 minute later......

"Why were you holding on like that?" (from our friend's 5 year old son, who was in the lift behind us)
"Because I'm always scared those seats are gonna come off of the track and fall to the ground."
"That's just silly. C'mon peanut, lets go"

18 hellish minutes, all ended by the sweet sweet feeling of solid ground under my wobbly shaking legs, and the heartfelt disdain of a 5 year old.

On sunday we are going with some friends to Lowry Park Zoo, so when I got to work this morning I googled it to get directions and times and what not.

On the home page I click on calender of events. The first event listed is $3 Sunday admission(sweeet).
The second thing is this and I have been laughing about it since:

Valentine's Day "Wild at Heart"
(for adults 21 and over)
February 10 and 14, 6-9 p.m.

Singles, couples and groups of friends (ages 21 and up) are invited to the zoo to take a voyeuristic view into the pairing, partnering and mating habits of our animal residents. This special evening event features up-close animal encounters, romantic refreshments and dinner. Advance reservations are required. The event is $45 per person for Zoo Pass holders, or $50 per person for non-Zoo Pass holders. Call 813-935-8552 ext. 239 for more information.

Oh. My. God.
Is this for real? Yup. I got it right of the website.

Single people? Umm, it's kind of disturbing to think about that. I mean what do you say to your friends?
"so, are you doing anything for valentines day?"
"I'm going to the zoo to watch the animals get it on. The admission price includes romantic refreshments and dinner afterward. wanna go?"
".........."

Couples? Is this your idea of a romantic evening? If so, hey whatever makes ya happy. But $100 to watch a bunch of animals go at it? You could stay home and watch that for free on animal planet. Unless it's the "live" part you're after. heh. bunch a sickos.
"honey, what are we doing for valentines day?"
"Well I know watching animal porn on the discovery channel was getting old, sooooo I got us tickets to a LIVE SHOW at the zoo. Followed by dinner and drinks."

Groups of friends? Heh. This is what I'm talking about.
me to G, J, L,& N- "Hey lets go watch some Hot Monkey Lovin at the zoo."
now this could go 1 of 2 ways.......
G,J,L & N- "There is seriously something fucken wrong with you. Seriously."

Or depending how much pot/drinks have been consumed:
"what?! When? Lets go. Lets go right now."

My friends are so much more fun after I get them messed up.

note to self: do. not. forget the camera.

I do not watch the whole season of American Idol. Ever. And I won't know who the winner is this year until it's splashed across every media outlet available.

However, I do like to watch the auditions.

Last night G called me up around 9 to see if I was watching. Shit I forgot it was on. I jump on my treadmill and turn on the second half.

30 seconds later I was rewarded as gollum Kenny came in to sing.

"My friends tell me I sing like, you know, N-sync or the backstreet boys".

Of course he sucked, and somewhere in there is a joke about comparing yourself to a boy band singer. Simon then says he looks like some kind of animal from the jungle, something with huge eyes. maybe a monkey?
But I think he was maybe thinking of this:

or maybe this Lemur thing


Then there was this guy:

He said he could sing and dance. Nope. Randy?- no. Paula?- no. Simon-no.

On to my favorite part of the evening, celebrity relatives:
Cher's second cousin twice removed-


Proof that powder's mother didn't die in that freak lightning strike:













relative or stalker? I'll let you decide.



And to round out the evening, this freak of nature's Carrot Top's long lost......ummmmmm......long lost something.







He sang Bohemian Rhapsody. The beginning part. With all the high pitches. If I had a dog it probably would have attacked the tv.

Ok everyone, gather round! None of you made it to Hollywood. Please go home and bitch slap/kick your friends/family/strangers or whoever it was that EVER told you that you could sing.


American Idol drinking game: Everyone has to chug everytime Simon, Paula, and Randy say:
Other door.
OR
No not that door, the one on the right.

Anytime they say both things: you have to do a shot and a chug.

My blog is not going to turn into a diet blog, I promise (mostly because I already have one of those at peertrainer-link is in top sidebar). But.... i joined a gym last night and so now I have to talk about it. at least once people(but possibly more).

I had forgotten. The soul crushing. selfconciousness. of a fat person at the gym.
That feeling that all the skinny pretty people are looking at you.
The itch on the back of your neck while you wonder if the person racing on the treadmill next to you is scoffing at your meager 3 miles per hr.

And then I got over it. because...fuck that, I need to work out.
And I just signed a credit card receipt for over $700.
And I'm gonna get my money's worth.

But uhg, the locker rooms with no private showers. And the cute girls not really doing anything except trying to get hit on (I know you mentioned that Joy, but it's been so long since I've been to a gym I had forgotten).

But then there was the daycare, which peanut loved and can't wait to go back to play.
And the feeling of accomplishment.
And the fact that every single machine has a tv moniter on it. with cable. and pay channels like HBO.
So, technically if I had been able to walk for another hour & 25 minutes I could have seen all of Superman Returns. for free.
Once I get to super woman endurance I'll never have to rent another movie. I'll just watch them while I work out.
Even though the eliptical machine is evil incarnate and I could only do 8 minutes on it before my legs turned to jello and I felt the need to puke.

And the stairmasters. yes, they were chortling with glee just waiting for me to step on them. hah fooled you though cause i don't mess with no stairmasters. After all I am only a novice gym goer, while they are stair"masters". But the their time will come. As soon as I conquer that damn eliptical machine. Tonight's goal is 10 minutes or more.
Even if I end up puking.

I started a new eat healthy and exercise part of my life last week. I haven't talked about it though because I wanted to see if I was really going to stick with it this time. And I know, your thinking-well you just started it last week, how do you know you are going to stick with it this time?

Because i've tried to do this before, a couple of times, and the end of the first week is the key. Instead of already messing up my diet and slacking off on the exercise, i want to do more. This is a new feeling for me and it gives me hope that I will stick to it this time.

I lost 3 lbs from Monday to Sunday. On my period too. whoo hoo.

I have been using the meal plans from ivillage healthy living, which I recommend because each ingredient of every recipe can be replaced with your choice of item from a pop up list. Good for any picky eaters out there.

And it's FREE.

I also signed up for peertrainer.com where I joined a team for support and have a daily food journal to help keep myself on track.

That's free too.

What's not free is the gym J and I are going to join today.
$348 each for a 1 year membership. It's a good deal, that price includes all equipment, any classes we want to take, and childcare.

But $700 is alot for us to spend at one time, especially with an added payment now for the truck.

So I had to change my perspective on the price.

If we work out everyday for an hour and utilize the childcare part of the program- that means we will be spending less than $2 a day for someone to watch our kid while we go use all of their equipment for free.

What?!

Sign. me. Up.

I missed the 100 post mark about 9 posts ago but better late than never I guess so here we go.

1. I have a very weird sense of humor.
2. I once got stung by a bee on the inside of my bottom lip.
3. I still love Guns N Roses.
4. I secretly love Brittney Spears in all her spastastic glory.
5. Just her tho not really her music.
6. J and I have been together 8 1/2 years, married for 6 1/2.
7. I have one son- he's 3 1/2.
8. Most days I wake up with a song inside my head.
9. I'm still scared of the thing under my bed.
10. and clown dolls.
11. and spiders. especially spiders.
12. we bought our house when we were only 21 and I'm very proud of that.
13. I have good credit- finally.
14. I have to have the perfect gift for someone.
15. I like spending money on other people .
16. but hate to spend it on myself.
17. I always feel like I could be doing something else with the money.
18. I have a boring job.
19. I would like to go back to school.
20. I need to lose 45 lbs.
21. I'm working on losing it.
22. I'm down 3lbs so far this week. :)
23. I enrolled my son in Tae Kwon Do last week.
24. I can't wait until he is old enough for team sports.
25. I've seen the movie "Cross roads" 4 times.
26. I will be 30 in march.
27. Before my family unraveled into craziness, we used to all go camping at Hamilton Beach. I miss that.
28. I love to read. It is my favorite thing to do.
29. I like comedy or action or action/comedy movies.
30. I like all types of music. from Dixie Chicks to Eminem to Korn
31. On saturday nights I'm usually at G's house singing karaoke.
32. Hate. Mornings.
33. Once you've pushed me too far, it's very easy for me to turn off any emotion for you.
34. Sometimes I wonder if I have anti-social tendencies because it is so easy for me to disconnect from people.
35. I worry about that.
36. I have 3 tattoos
37. I used to have 3 piercings- tongue, eyebrow, & belly button, but they've all been taken out at one time or another.
38. On boring Sunday mornings I like to watch corny teen movies. ie: cross roads, mean girls
39. I do not have as good of a relationship with my mother as she thinks it is.
40. Or with the rest of my family for that matter.
41. I do not like drama in my life.
42. I like a nice steady boring life with team sports for peanut and regular poker games for me & J.
43. I am resistant to change.
44. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. still.
45. My house is cluttered and usually in need of some cleaning
46. yet my office at work is immaculate. a place for every thing and every thing in it's place.
47. My OCD comes out at work if anything in my office is moved from it's assigned place. anything at all.
48. I'm from Rochester, NY.
49. My mom moved us to Florida when I was almost 16.
50. That probably saved my life (literally) or saved me from becoming a 21 year old living on welfare with 3 or 4 kids.
51. Or a drug addict
52. When J and I got married I gained the family I never had.
53. I tend to go crazy when I get my period.
54. I Luuuurrve everyone when I'm drunk, unless you mess with one of my friends
55. then I am the first one to want a fight.
56. A bunch of us went to a bar a couple years ago and all night my friend L complained to me about this girl hitting on her boyfriend. By the end of the night I was really drunk so then L says comes up and tells me that the girl is dancing with her boyfriend again and blah blah blah
57. sick of hearing her complain, I went over and interrupted their dance. then I started a fight
58. afterward I see L talking to the girl, apologizing for me and acting like she just doesn't know why I did that to her.
59. that pissed me off and embarrassed me. it will never happen again.
60. I am outspoken and unafraid to say how I see it.
61. But I will usually not say anything unless you ask my opinion.
62. Then all bets are off.
63. I try to be nice and not hurt people's feelings.
64. But it doesn't really bother me if I do.
65. I can't remember the last time I asked anyone in my family for advice. about anything.
66. I don't plan on doing it anytime soon.
67. I lost my virginity right before my 15th birthday.
68. I wish I would have waited.
69. It was not a good experience.
70. If I had the money, I would have my tattoos removed.
71. And then probably get 1 or 2 new ones.
72. I'm joining a gym today.
73. I'm very excited about that.
74. I'm having some trouble thinking of 100 things to say.
75. I am the oldest of all the grandchildren in my family.
76. One of my sisters and I are the only grandchildren leading a normal life.
77. All the other ones do or sell drugs, or are alcoholics.
78. They think that I think I am better than them.
79. I don't, I just can't deal with their drama any more.
80. So i distance myself.
81. I am not having any more children.
82. I would like to travel but I am not sure where I want to go.
83. I have never been west of Kentucky.
84. I have been to Canada 3 times and on our honeymoon we went to Grand Caymans, Mexico, and New Orleans.
85. Our honeymoon is the only time I have been drunk by lunch time, hung over by dinner, and drunk again before the night was over.
86. I was in labor for 30 hours.
87. And he came 3 days early.
88. I didn't cry or scream once.
89. I have blond hair but I am thinking about dying it brownish red.
90. I worked in a restaurant for 8 years before I got this job.
91. I still don't know why I stayed that long.
92. Besides money and flexible hours anyway.
93. I have a hard time understanding the people in my family who don't have jobs because they "can't find one that they like".
94. Since we have been together, my husband and I have both worked 2nd jobs on occasion. To buy our house, to pay for our wedding.
95. And neither one of us liked those jobs.
96. My family sucks.
97. But I love them any way.
98. But if J and I ever split up, I'm keeping his family.
99. J & peanut drive me crazy sometimes.
100. But I love them especially.

I am going to be physically sick.
Heather was arrested today. I can't even write about it because it makes my stomach heave so I am going to copy the news report here:

I changed the names. not to protect that bitch but because I don't want people I know finding this site while looking for stuff about this case.

Heather B" of ..... was charged today with murder and two counts of aggravated child abuse in the Dec. 20 death of 4-year-old "Annie", the ..... County Sheriff’s Office reported.
"Heather", of 4400 Amanda Ave., turned herself into detectives at 3:45 p.m. at the sheriff’s office.

During the investigation, "Annie's" father, "Bubba" said his daughter was fine when he put her bed the night before and went to work. He left his daughter with "Heather", who is his girlfriend. "Bubba" told police that "Heather" called him and said "Annie" wet the bed the previous night and she was going to “whoop” her for doing so, the police said. He then said that "Heather" called him back at work a few minutes later and said the youth was not breathing. "Bubba" said he went home to his Glendale Avenue house as EMS was taking "Annie" to ......Medical Center where she was pronounced dead.

A medical examiner’s report said "Annie" had hemorrhaging in her eyes, small bruises on her leg, arm and neck and a mark on her chin area. There was a large skull fracture on the left side of her head and several cerebral injuries to the brain. Medical examiner Dr. .....said there were two major head traumas to "Annie" due to blunt force trauma.

Major Crime’s detectives said the probable cause for "Heather's" arrest was:
The medical reports of the injuries.
The previous incidents of admitted aggravated child abuse by "Heather".
The interviews conducted of family members of both "Bubba"and "Heather" showing how "Heather" hated "Annie".
"Annie" was not sick, injured or acting abnormally the morning of her death, as supported by "Heather".
The admission by "Heather" of her anger that morning with "Annie" wetting her bed and how she “whooped” her just before her death. The fact that "Heather" was the only person with "Annie" at the time that injuries occurred, which caused her death. This was supported by "Heather's" admissions to being alone with her.

I can not and will not EVER understand how a 4 year old child wetting the bed could make someone so mad that they would choke and punch a child and then bash them repeatedly in the head with something.

Poor baby had to be in so much pain.

I have to stop now. I will update as more comes in.

you know how in some low budget movies they have that big dramatic scene where someone gets pissed and throws their whiskey/wine/champagne glass smashing into the fireplace?

I always wanted to do that.

I'd love to go see a play that has someone doing that in every scene. every single one.
awsome.

Have I ever mentioned here that I love practical jokes? I have, haven't I.

What I do not love are people who fuck with your shit, not because they think it will be funny, but because they are petty jealous people who can't just be hapy for someone who has a wife that bought them a truck for christmas.

I might be am kinda crazy. DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. MY. TRUCK. ANYMORE.
I asked roy to spread the word, so consider yourself notified bitches.

You do not want to start this, because by the time we're done? My truck might be messed up too, but your truck? it won't even be running.

I've heard that if you put a roll of life savers candy into someone's gas tank, the whole upper half of the engine has to be replaced. hmmm, costly. And that it takes awhile for it to happen(read: no way to pinpoint a time frame, so unable to pin it on anyone in particular.)

I'm just sayin.
Bitches.

I, a 29 year old grown woman, am afraid of the THING that lives under my bed. More specifically I am afraid of the thing under the bed reaching out and grabbing my foot.

No, don't tell me there's nothing under there, you don't need to. I know it's not there.
Until the middle of the night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom. That's when it takes me 5 minutes to convince myself that nothing is going to:
a. reach out and yank me down
b. slit the back of my ankle with a razor- thus hobbling me for the coming attack
c. bite my foot off with huge saberlike teeth
d. slither up my leg

For me to sleep comfortably I have to have one foot outside of the blanket. But it can't hang off of the bed by even 1 millimeter, because the mattress is my force field and nothing can get me as long as I am on it. And yes, I do know that is crazy.

I blame the movie "Poltergeist" for this fear and my 2nd childish fear- clowns. If you ever want to scare the shit out of me just put a clown under a bed in a dark room. I might have to kill you afterward though.

On to the point of the story.

last night- 1:38 am.

just GO. just get up and go so you can go back to sleep.
I lay there for 2 more minuts
quit being such a freakin baby. just get your ass up and pee so we** can go back to sleep.
allright, allright I'm going

I put my foot on the floor and just as I'm getting ready to put the other one down........
*huge intake of air* try to scream- can't, heart stops beating(literally, I felt it).......
I make myself look down to see WHAT THE FUCK IS WRAPPED AROUND MY GODDAMN ANKLE, OH MY GOD.
my heart thu-thuds painfully back into motion as I see....
My stupid cat mitzie, who launched herself from under the bed, wrapped her two front paws around my foot and then bit the back of my ankle.

Anybody want a cat?


**is it wierd that when I talk to myself it's basically a two person conversation, and I use "we" in it? "we" like there's me and another me in my head?

Once again I am at that time of month when I go crazy.

Last night when I was trying to cook dinner J and I had an argument about which pan I should cook it in. Yes, a whole 5 minute argument over a pan. I almost hit him with the damn pan. I thought about it- he bent over to pick something up off the floor and his head was right there, at pan hitting level. But then I realized I was way over reacting. Why? Because I turn into a RAGING BITCH at the drop of a hat when I am PMSing.

Thankfully I have a DR appt. next week. They either need to change my pills or we need to talk about some prozac or paxil or whatever. It's getting serious.

Totally new subject that I have no idea how to segue into gracefully:

There is douchebaggery afoot at our local county offices. The Asshats that work in said offices obviously have nothing better to do than nitpick at shit all day.

I have to fill out certain forms for the builders to submit to the county for their inspections. Last week Jeff called me to tell me the county had rejected his form because I had filled out something wrong.

The thing is, I didn't. For months at a time I can do the paperwork the exact same way every time and then one day..... Poof..nope that's not how they want it anymore.

I call the county and speak to "Mr. Prick". He tells me how they want it done now. Okay I fix it and give Jeff new copies to take down.

Mr. Prick calls me to tell me that it has been rejected AGAIN.

Wha????

"We also need line 3 of part C changed to say this...."

"Why didn't you tell me that before? I could have fixed it all at once and saved everybody sometime."

"Sorry" that's all I get, in a fuck you bitch I don't have to explain anything to you voice.

"Fine. Is there anything else that needs to be changed?" fuck you too douchebag

"Not that I've seen so far."

So far!? So Far?! Look here you stupid mother fucker, god help you if you call me back one more motherfucking time about this because I have PMS and I am currently fantasizing about driving my car down to your building and smashing it into your office and then bending you over your desk to crameveryformIcanfindstraightupyourASSandthenhittingyouintheheadwithafuckenfryingpan!!!

So, hope you all are having a nice day.

These are not the best pictures because he didn't want them taken but, awww look at him on his first day of tae kwon do (sp?).

"I have herpes. R gave it to me when I was 8 months pregnant."

*crickets*
(shit)

okay, okay, what do i say to that? ummm. okay steamroll her, don't be embarassed say what you want you didn't know she has herpes.

"when you were 8 months pregnant? what an ASSHOLE!"

"yeah and I found out after that he gave it to his previous girlfriend too, so he knew about it the whole time." cool, she's not acting like I offended her or anything

L quickly tried to change the subject but it was like the flood gates were open.
Have you ever known someone who told you things right away that would take you a year or two to tell your best friend?

K was on a roll. We heard stories about the herpes ex, then about the ex with his penis pierced 15 times, we heard about the awsome sex she had the night before out in her back yard on the trampoline and how her grandpa almost caught them, we heard about how she can give such good blow jobs by taking her upper dentures out (this girl is 31 I have no idea why she has dentures already), and then she moved on to stories about people we know mutually.

She told us a story about her sister H (who I used to hang out with) and how when they were younger they never got pulled over by the cops because H had slept with or given a blowjob to every single cop. every single one. Which being a small town is totally possible, yet still disgusting.

Soooo maaannnny stories. Don't get me wrong, I was drunk so she was definately entertaining me- at least when she wasn't almost making me puke.

Let me explain. because she is somewhat paralized on her left side she sometimes has trouble swallowing certain foods (i did not know this). Yeah, i grilled steaks for dinner. A piece got stuck in her throat and she kept trying to hawk it up but it wouldn't come out. So we're out on my front porch smoking and drinking and she regurgitates some......stuff on the floor.
"umm, are you okay?"

"yeah, it's just still stuck and it triggers my gag reflex. it's just spit tho."

"ahhh,okay...."

We go back to talking and she does it again. WTF? okay by this point I know her whole sexual history but i am still not comfortable enough with her to be like "uh uh, you have to get a bucket or something". I ask her again if she's okay and she says yeah she thinks it came out that time.

Back to talking. She does it again. Lather rinse repeat- about 8 TIMES before she gets it. and all 8 times the sound of the gagging makes me gag. But what can I say to her? She's freakin handicapped and can't make it all the way to my bathroom when she starts gagging.

I'm thinking next time she comes over we should have something easy to swallow like spahgetti. and next time? yeah next time I'm putting the trash can next to her, I don't care if it is rude. maybe if I do that I won't have to hose off my porch after she leaves. again.

Vatrex commercial you'll never see

*opening scene- Jesse and Billie Jean in the living room of their trailor*

"Herpes?! God damnit Jesse you no good lyin dog. I knew you was cheatin on me and now you done brought me the Herpes!"

"Now hold on Billie Jean, hold on there. Ya knows I love ya, I strayed just that once, and it wasn't my fault, Bobby Lee just kept handin me the beer."

"Herpes, Jesse! How am I supposed ta forgive you fer givin me some kind of venerable disease?"

"Well now, I wanted ter do right by ya, so I went and got me somma that there Valtrex stuff and now we can go camping, and hunting, and muddin and all that without having ta worry about a break out."

"Oh Jesse that's so romantical. You DO love me! I jist knew it."

*fade out on close up of Billie Jean jumpin into Jesse's arms.*

Yeah I know, first I was blind and now I'm drunk. What can I say?

Yesterday we saw this girl K that I used to work with. We were....aquaintances, basically. We had mutual friends but never hung out on our own. Anyway about 2 years ago she had a major stroke, they thought she wasn't gonna live...blah blah blah. well turns out she did but she's somewhat paralized on her left side and her kids live with their dad now and blah blah blah. You know- basically her life sucks now.

So anyway we see her at the store yesterday and she says
"we should hang out sometime."

"um yeah, okay that would be...."(um wierd, because I never hung out with you before)

"call me tomorrow, we can get together and do something. here's my number."

"uhhh,okay sure, I'll give you a call tomorrow" (all said in that fake "you just totally put me on the spot because you're like handicap now and I would be such an asshole to blow you off" voice)

umm so no actually I probably won't call her. Why? I don't know maybe I'm just a bitch. or maybe because we weren't really friends before and so I don't even really know you.

Or maybe I will call because she was like desperate to hang out (and I'm not that much of a bitch). I get the feeling that since the stroke alot of her "friends" have faded away.

Okay so today L calls me to see what we're doing tonight and we make plans for her to come over for dinner. I mention that I had seen K and we decide she should come for dinner too. But don't give me too much credit for that one because if L wasn't coming over I wouldn't have called K.

Drunk= incoherent, rambly story.
Sorry

So we invite her for dinner and total hilarity ensues. I'm talking "foot in mouth" moments and way too much sharing of sexual diseases were going on.

2 & 1/2 bottles of wine later we're pretty ripped.Somehow we get on the subject of valtrex commercials. We're going on and on about these commercials because basically - I love me a good valtrex commercial.

Seriously don't they just make you think like you might actually be missing out on life if you don't have herpes? Apparently people with herpes spend all of their time on vacation- hiking, skiing, camping,- you name it, there's a valtrex commercial for it. Oh and they're all hot- like if one of them wanted to have sex with you, you might think "hell yeah. lets do it. because after all, they do lead a pretty sweet life" but then you'd sober up and be like "Fuck, now I have herpes and I'm sill here in my trailer and I just KNOW those bitches aren't gonna call me up for that next Bahama vacation." And your life would suck and you'd be all "That's it, I want my money back" and shit.

Anyway I spend five drunken minutes laughing and telling them my valtrex theory and then K says: "I have herpes. R gave it to me when i was 8 months pregnant."

*crickets*
(shit)

And that my friends, is where I leave you hanging until tomorrow.

ps. also apparently when I'm drunk I say words like seriously, basically, anyway, actually, and apparently- a lot.

pps. one more thought on valtrex- If you did have to take that shit and your life didn't end up being like one of their commercials- do you think you could sue them for not having that "Results not typical" disclaimer on their commercial?

Oh GAWD. I'm BLIND.

Ok, not really, but I could have been.

I just walked in my boss' office. Yeah, he was looking at porn.

Dirty, dirty old man.

Heh. I guess we're even now.

I thought I knew how hard the funeral was going to be.
It was so much worse.

I thought I would be fine when I had to get up to do a reading.
I wasn't.

I thought the funeral would bring some kind of closure.
It hasn't.

*****************************************************

This is the last funeral post, I promise. I need to quit writing/talking/thinking about it.

I suppose I'm supposed to say it was beautiful, but no matter how nice the service was or how hard they tried to make her look natural, like she was only sleeping, there is nothing beautiful about a child's funeral. It's ugly and gut wrenching.

I knew it would be hard, but then you walk in and it's an open casket and you realize this is really, really the last time you will ever see her.

J's dad was supposed to do 2 readings but he knew he wasn't going to be able to make it through the second one, so he asked me to do it. I was doing okay and thought I would be fine, but then right before I went up, they sang "tears in heaven". Then, I was not fine anymore.

I thought everyone would feel at least a little bit better after the service because now it's over and we can grieve and do what needs to be done. Only we can't, because we are still waiting to find out if if it was an accident or if Heather is going to be arrested. It doesn't look good for her right now. The autopsy stated that annie died from a head injury(cerebral cranial trauma). If she killed this little girl i hope she fries.

And there were some other things that people can't seem to get past:

G (our neighbor/Bubba's sister) brought the girls to the viewing Tuesday night but did not let them go to the funeral- because she didn't want them to miss school. ???? many family members are mad about this.

Annie's biological mother did not come to the funeral. I'm not judging-I was there for the breakdown she had at the viewing. So, no I'm not judging, I just think that when she snaps out of it she will regret not going.

I'm glad it's over, but I will be even more so when it is really over.

also.....
I kept having an overwhelming urge to touch her. I had to stop myself repeatedly at the viewing and funeral. At other funerals I've seen people break down and like fall all over the casket and cruely I thought "Jesus, get ahold of yourself. You're making a spectacle". Now I know better. If that was my child in that coffin I would try to crawl in it and go with her into the crematorium.

Today we said our last goodbyes.

When god calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of his love.
For no heart ache compares
with the death of one small child
Who does so much
to make our world
seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold,
So he picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much
we need them,
and so He takes but a few,
To make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be "Goodbye."
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.

Yesterday afternoon my son jumped off is bed and hurt his foot. He wouldn't stand or walk on it so we were gonna take him to the emergency room but when we stopped by J's mom's house, peanut started walking on it with only a little bit of a limp. Great, we thought, no ER visit.

This morning when peanut got up he was complaining that his foot was still hurting and he was limping pretty good. Ok, J and myself really don't think there is anything more than a sprain wrong with his foot but just to be on the safe side we wanted his doctor to take a look at it.

So this morning I called the doctor's office, told the receptionist what was wrong asnd she says that we have to have xrays done before the doctor can see him.
"okay, where should I take him for the xrays?"
"the ER"
"uhhh, okaaaaay"

Now, what I was expecting to happen there was for her to tell me to come in and pick up a prescription to get the xrays done at the clinic. Because we are on an HMO we have to have referals and prescriptions for everything we have done.

Because I was somewhat unsatisfied with her answer I called my husband to see what he thought. He decided to call her back and the response he got was that they are not specialists and he would have to go to the ER to have peanut's foot looked at.

Here is where I become confused. I know they are not specialists, if I thought my son needed a SPECIALIST we would have had his butt at the ER last night.

All I wanted was for his doctor to take a look and confirm what we already thought- it's nothing. Or say better to be safe than sorry and have the xrays done. I just wanted him to see it and reassure us.

Do doctors not see slightly hurt kids anymore? Do they only see sick kids? I mean, I'm glad they see sick kids because I don't want to be in the ER with every ear ache, but when did they stop seeing kids who just need to be checked out? Just need a second opinion on a parents instincts that nothing major is wrong?

And how did I not get that memo? Because that's a pretty important thing to miss.

Since they would not see peanut, poor J is now spending his afternoon in the ER, which seems like overkill but we really just want someone with some kind of freakin medical degree to tell us it's fine- it's just a freakin sprain. Is that too much to ask?!

I wonder what else his doctor won't see him for.
maybe it's in the memo.

Things I want to do/have this year, but will probably not be able to afford:

1. Go back to school. For something. At least part time.
2. A new A/C unit for our house. J says it will cut our electric bill by over $100 a month.
3. New living room furniture.
4. Remodel the kitchen.

Things I need to do this year:

1. Quit smoking
2. lose weight
3. get motivated/stop procrastinating

I don't really like making new year resolutions because I never keep them. So instead I'll just right this list and do my best to get as much accomplished as possible.