My Peanut Gallery

Whewwww...
Trick or treating is done.

The boy has had his bath and is in his bed.

Thankfully he got tired of walking after about 45 minutes, but he still ended up with a good amount of candy. We had a long tiring argument about how much candy he could eat tonight, i won. heh.

Hope everyone had a good night.

Pictures will be coming soon.

oh, quick story...
When I picked peanut up from school today he was singing a new version of trick or treat- " trick or treat, smell my butt..."
Excuse Me?!
Yeah, he almost didn't get to have halloween this year. The little shit.

We had the best family day today. We went to the pumpkin festival at Hunsader Farms in Bradenton with some of our friends, and are planning on going back next month for the midieval fair.

I don't know what it is about fair food, but the minute i walk thru the gates i lose my damn mind. No where else would i ever pay $4 for a funnel cake, $5 dollars for a large lemonade (2), $4 for frozen coffee, or $9 for something called "chicken on a stick".
"chicken on a sitck" does not even sound good, yet it was. and lemonade? I don't even like lemonade.
Unless we're at a fair, then all bets are off, and my taste buds are taken over by the festival food fairy. Yes, the festival food fairy, it's the only logical explanation.

So we gorged ourselves on food as we made our way around the fair grounds.
There were games for the kids, a circus, hay rides, a petting zoo, crafts, face painting, candle making, sand art, rock climbing, train rides, pony rides, a butterfly encloser, a corn maze, and of course the pumpkin patch. And food. Lots and Lots of fair food.

And now- some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

peanut knocked over the ghost on the end and the nice lady behind him gave him 2 tickets. he was very proud.

feeding/petting zoo

the butterfly encloser. Peanut was loving it, until he actually got one to stay on his hand, and then he wasn't quite sure what to do.

daddy and peanut

And ofcourse, the scarecrowhe said he wasn't scared of him, but that fake smile says different.

All in all, a very nice day.

I will admit it, I'm not a super animal lover. except my cat. but once she's gone i don't know if we will get another pet. probably not, unless my son starts asking for one.

However, I may not be the biggest animal lover, but i don't like to see them abused or abandoned either.

So if you are an animal lover, or even if you're not but like to help a good cause, please go to Nikeno's Second Chances. Maybe you can adopt one of these animals, or maybe you have a little bit of money you could send them to help with their care. Every penny helps.

Check out GG's site for the rest of the story.

Thank You.

Lets see,where to start.......

Alright we'll start with the bad news and not so bad news. I went to see the doctor yesterday to talk about the results of my MRI, and we decided that i am going to need surgery. It's scheduled for next friday. The not so bad news is that they can now do micro surgery on my back so I might not even have to spend the night in the hospital depending on how early in the day they can do the surgery. As opposed to last time, where they had to cut me open and i was in the hospital for 5 days. At least this time i will be home and then back to work within 3 or 4 days. The nurse told me I would probably want to be off work for a week because i will be all doped up on pain pills, but as i have been coming to work like that for a month already, it's not anything new. heh. Thank god for a cake job and a boss that pretty much doesn't care what state my mind is in as long as i'm here. He really hates to answer the phones. Heh.

Speaking of my boss, he just left to catch his plane. And I'm in charge till next Wednesday. tee hee. I don't know what that man is thinking sometimes ;)

I am totally off of my normalness this month. Usually Halloween is this huge thing for me, but this year we are not going to either of the parties this weekend, and i BOUGHT my son's costume.
I am ashamed to admit it.
I just am not into it this year, and it's driving me crazy. Although i think tonight i am going to carve our pumpkins. Which leads me to another example of my offness. I bought these fake pumpkin things at MICHAELS that can be carved. they're not foam but they're not really plastic either, I don't know how to explain them, but they should last a couple years.

FAKE PUMPKINS and STORE BOUGHT COSTUMES.

What the hell am I doing?

Actually I know what happened. I am a huge procrastinator, and this year I took on more than i could get done (you know, because of the procrastination). Here is a list of what i was gonna do for Halloween, and it all had to be done this week( again-procrastination)

• Decorate the yard- this only got done because i was smart enough to do it 2 weeks ago instead of waiting for this week.
• make a spectacular Halloween cake for peanut's school. okay, i tried this one, twice, i give up. it's not happening this year. both cakes looked like shit, although the 2nd one tasted better than the first. I've decided to practice later and maybe by next year i will be able to make the cake i want.
• Spend 2 hrs at the photo booth at peanuts oktoberfest on saturday. I have to make sure i do this one because only like 4 parents have signed up for shit at this thing, so it's not like they won't notice if i just don't show. And i don't have a baby sitter yet. mmmm hmm procrastinator.
• find something to take to the school for the rummage sale. It's Friday morning and i have to bring something in with me when i pick up peanut this afternoon. Guess i'll be going by the house first. I'm sure with all the crap in my garage it won't take me too long to find something to give them.
• make peanut's ninja turtle costume. I totally just bombed on this one. I have the time to make it, I mean what with skipping parties and no poker tonight either, i had plenty of time to make it. seriously, i already had most of it, i have the blue eye bandanna thing, green sweats, the knee and elbow guards, and green face paint. All I needed to do was paper mache the shell. But, noooooooo. instead, we went to walmart yesterday where they had a ready- made ninja turtle costume for ONLY $9. So i caved and there it is, one store bought costume. goes well with the fake pumpkins. heh.

So all of this, plus doctor visits, internet whoring, and taking care/playing with peanut, on top of the procrastination= not so many halloween plans getting done. oh well, there's always next year.

There are certain times in life when you come realize certain things. Epiphanies, if you will.

I have had some huge life changing ones, and smaller little ones. Where do they come from? Maturity? Age? Experience?

They come at me out of the blue sometimes, and when it happens i feel like I am struck by the feeling that I will never forget that moment. But sometimes I do.

Epiphany # 1- (Huge life changing event)
*It doesn't matter to me anymore what my mother does, says or thinks of me. I am past that. I am my own person.*
I could write pages and pages about how this realization actually turned my whole world upside down on me, instead I will just say that although I do not remember the exact date and time this took place, I have never once forgotten the lesson behind the moment, never had to step back and remind myself of it.

Epiphany #2- ( another big one)
*I'm pregnant. This is a responsibility for the REST OF MY LIFE. Never again can i think of only myself in regard to my life and what i want to do with it.*
I have always been a responsible person, so why this scared me so much i don't know. Maybe it was the realization that even tho i was responsible before, i could be irresponsible if i really wanted to, I could move away and never again have to be the one my family runs to to fix their problems, I could get divorced and go to france or baja or where ever( example only, i have never felt he need to leave my husband). Now, for the rest of my life I will have someone else to consider in every decision I make. Sometimes that still scares me.

Epiphany #3- (small one, but one that needs to be remembered.)
*I am an Adult, I do not have to explain, talk about, or discuss anything I do with anyone except my husband*
I say this is a small one because I forget this one a lot. I backslide into adolescence sometimes, going along with what other people say i should do. sometimes it's just easier that way.
Sometimes I wonder if this will ever turn into one of my large epiphanies, making me realize once and for all that i really am a grown up, and in charge of my own life.

There are others, but I think these are the most important. The most important to remember, the most important to work on.

Note to self:

GET OFF YOUR ASS!!

your back hurts? so what? get up!
Get your ass back on that clothes rack you call a treadmill. Do it. Now.
Do you know what i saw in the mirror this morning?
A spare fucking tire. Right there. on what used to be your waist.
I know you haven't gained any weight lately but your body seems to be redistributing the pounds you carry around- redistributing into love handles.
Love Handles? I think not, what's to Love about it?

And you know what? Your shirts are not convincingly hiding the bulge anymore.
Your clothes are not fitting like they used too and I refuse to let you go up ONE MORE SIZE.
Do you hear me? NOT ONE!

GET OFF YOUR ASS

And what happened to the deal we made in June that you were going to lose 30 lbs in time for the new years eve party?
you had 6 MONTHS.
you now have les than 2 1/2, I suggest you get on it.

You are more than likely going to have to have back surgery. soon.
don't you think you might recover quicker if you LOST SOME WEIGHT?

Your HUSBAND weighs less than you!
WTF??

Okay listen, I know you remember the days when you could wear a size 8. It was only a couple years ago. So, lets compromise. If you get off your ass and work for say a size 10/12, I'll be happy. No, really, I promise. i'll stop making you depressed and you will fell much better in general. Okay? Okay.

Now lets talk about the smoking.
No?
Okay then, one thing at a time.

AH HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA *GASP* HAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAAHA *GASP* as tears roll down my face.

I'm getting the tub ready for peanut when i hear him mumbling something and poking himself in the arm.

Wha?

So i listen harder to see if i can hear what he's saying.

"circle, circle, dot, dot now i have my cootie shot"

Repeated. over and over.

"peanut, what are you doing?"

( surprised look on his face)
it's my cootie shot mommy, i need it alot.

me, trying so hard not to laugh
" why do you need it alot?"

"cause mommy, girls have cooties and there's lots of em in my preschool."
long pause.....
"and you're a girl too mommy, so you have cooties too. come here so i can give you a cootie shot, maybe then they will go away. okay mommy?"

one cootie shot later, i am deemed "safe" for now.
However I was told I will need another shot before bed and one when i wake up in the morning.

So, lets see friday night we played poker at D's house. I won $18, good start to the weekend.

Saturday:
I took my son to get his haircut ( school picures today at preschool) and then packed our stuff to go to the time share at ft. myers beach with J's mom(W) and dad (B). It's amazing, the amount of stuff that needs to be brought to try to keep a 3 year old busy for 2 days. J had school so peanut and i rode down with my sister in law TT and her husband T. My other sister in law A, her husband R, and her 2 kids ( S & O) met us down there- totalling 11 people split between 3 bedrooms and 2 pull out couches. it was just enough room but we did it. we spent most of the day hanging around by the pool so the kids could swim. Around 7:30 we went to dinner to celebrate B's 66th birthday. Nastiest food ever. okay probably not ever, but it was pretty bad. Poor J got stuck at school longer than normal and then took a wrong turn along the way to ft. myers, adding about 45 minutes more to the trip. By the time he finally met us at the restaraunt around 8:15 you could tell he was exhausted from his day. Then we went back to the time share, put the kids to bed and hung out some more by the pool. For about 1/2 an hour I watched J's mom become totally frustrated over a game of tetris( she is obsessed i tell you). funny shit right there. and then it was bed time.

Sunday:
Peanut woke up about 7 am, before everyone else, so i had a great time trying to keep him quiet. we went for a walk which was nice and went out back on the dock so he could look for fish. and almost fall in. and spit! in the water. thank you uncle T for teaching him that, I am ever so greatful. thank god by that time the other kids were up so J's mom offered to take them to the beach to look for shells and then to the playground, giving the rest of us a chance to go to breakfast about 10:30. Again, worst food ever. and we even went to a different restaraunt. Ft. Myers beach is a nice place, but don't go there if you're looking for good food experiences, cause i don't think you'll find it. back from breakfast, more pool time and then naps for the kids. Here's where the weekend goes down hill.

Around 12:30 the kids went down for naps, so the adults made plans for the afternoon. W was going to stay with the kids and take a nap also. I was gonna go to the local shops and then go with TT to the outlet stores. A and R went walking around, and to the beach. B, T, and J had plans to go to hooters and watch a football game. *sigh* the best laid plans, and all that.....

J promised peanut that when he woke up we would take him to get icecream, and then he told me that he wanted to go to the outlet stores with me and TT so we changed our plans to wait till he got back. and this is where everything goes off course.....

B, T and J end up bar hopping and meet up with some local firefighters who then proceed to buy a couple rounds of patron tequila shots for everyone, followed by shots bought by B, T & J, in between a couple beers. My husband is not a big drinker, and when he does occasionally drink, it's usually just a couple of beers.

So my son wakes up about 3:45 and immediately starts asking when are we gonna go get icecream. I now have to distract him until his father decides to bring his ass back. Around 4:15 TT calls T to ask where the hell they are. About 4:45 they stagger in, drunk as shit. Now i'm pissed off. and J thinks it's because he's drunk, which starts an argument, but i wasn't even mad about that. I don't care if he wants to get drunk. He had a rotten day on saturday and he was just out having fun with the guys.

I was pissed because he always complains about how he doesn't ever get to spend time with us, and then he made plans with peanut and me and instead of just going and having a couple drinks and then coming back, he spent all afternoon with strangers. Yes, he was hanging out with his family but he made the mistake of telling me that they would have never stayed at the last bar if they hadn't met the firefighters. Which made me feel like he would rather spend what little amount of free time he has with people he doesn't even know, than us.

So we take peanut to get icecream and then my husband says lets go to the outlet stores, I know you have been waiting for me. It's now 5:20 and they close at 6 on sundays and besides that he was OBNOXIOUSLY drunk. Tequila makes some people nasty when they drink it, and apparently J is one of those people. At one point he was CRYING because "i hate him" and "I'm sorry,please don't be mad". Even his mom wanted to slap him. Needless to say I didn't really want to go any where in public with him. The lady at the icecream store was laughing her head off at his drunk ass.

We had to go home because both of us had to work today, and i really wanted to leave before it started to get dark because i wasn't really sure how to get home, I'm super bad with directions, but i decided to stay a while instead so we could eat dinner and he could have some time to sober up. that didn't really work, he was still pretty drunk when we left around 7:30, and by that time i was sick of hearing "i'm sorry" every 2 minutes. Shut up already. i was hoping he would fall asleep in the car. nope, not happening. instead he sent me in the wrong direction a couple times. he finally shut up for five minutes and i started to feel bad because he thought i was really mad at him so i put my hand on his knee and what does he do? pulls up the pantleg of his shorts and asks if i want to put my hand up there! and are we gonna have fun when we get home? NO. back to pissed. when we got home i had to go feed his parents dog and when i got back 10 minutes later he was passed out on the bed. Thank god. At least he made it to work this morning, T was so sick he had to call in.

Okay, I know it sounds like it was horrible, but we actually had fun for the most part. W took charge of the kids alot, giving the rest of us alot of free time. And i had fun going to the stores on the beach, i found a couple of funny gag gifts for J's step-brother's 40th B-day party. I had fun reading and hanging out by the pool and the kids couldn't have had a better time with all of us. Seeing the boys so drunk was even pretty funny at times.

I'm just glad that we all got to go and be together. When I married J, I ended up with the family i never knew i always wanted. And I don't think that i will ever seriously complain about our family vacations because i love them and look forward to it every year.

I'm feeling.................wierd today, and I can't really put my finger on why.

So, do you ever realize that you know something but you don't ever really think about it? I realized today that I live inside my head. a lot. I mean i kinda knew this but I never really thought about it. until today, when it occured to me that i had been talking to myself. all day. and that i do this frequently. okay, all the time.

But I only talk to myself in my head, which for some reason i find even wierder.(is that even a word?) Never out loud because, well, i don't want people to actually know i'm crazy as bat shit. (and BTW just how crazy IS bat shit? anybody?)

And i have really odd conversations with myself. like this one:
huh, i wonder how deaf people read if they can't hear what they are reading.
explanation: when i read, i read the words "out loud" in my head. actually i'm even doing it right now. think about it, isn't there like a litle narrator that lives inside your head when you read? try reading with out it sometime. let me know how that works for ya, cause i COULD NOT do it the 8 different times i tried. Crazy- as bat shit.

Also that thing my mom used to say to me- " get your head out of your ass!", when i wasn't paying attention? yeah, i get it now. I can be reading, or watching tv, and you can be right in front of me, screaming, and i will say "uh huh, okay" and not hear 1 single thing you just said to me. Hey, I can't help it if my brain can't narrate the book i'm reading and listen to you at the same time. Drives my husband crazy- as bat shit! I guess this is why i hate if some one does not look at me when i am talking to them. because i feel like they are not listening to me. because if i am not looking at you, well it's a pretty safe bet, i'm not listening.

My boss just came in and said something to me. I wasn't looking at him because i was writing this. I have no idea what he just said to me.
Heh.

also, i have no idea what the obsession with the "crazy as bat shit" is about today.

UPDATE: he came in to say he needed to talk to me about next week. Seems he is going out of town from next friday to the following wednesday. And I'm in charge. heh. heh heh. ha hah ahahaha. MUAH HA HA
oh yes, this will be fun. and my boss? yeah, he's crazy as bat shit.
oh come on, you knew that was coming.

"I don't want to wash my hair, you washed it on saturday" fyi- he calls every day saturday.

"does milk come out of a cow's butt?" wha?

"your butt is fat" thank you son, now who do i need to kill for teaching you that?

"Look mommy jesus's house has a temperature!" the church has a thing showing how much money it's raised so far for their new rec center. it looks like a thermometer.

"sing the son song mommy" you are my sunshine, my only....
"no mommy, just the son part, because the son is for boys and the shine is for girls" hahhahahaha, i love you buddy.

"When can I have a big brother?" if you read yesterday's post, this question was perfectly timed.

"I can't go to bed, I didn't have a snack."

"okay mommy, lets play. now I'm the mommy and you're the son so that means I'm the boss!"
this game never goes well

"okay, but we have to sing 3 songs before i close my eyes." sings the son song, row your boat, and abc's. goodnight baby.
"one more mommy" no, the deal was 3
"But I did the abc one, so you still have to sing another song." smarty pants
******************************************************

Usually when peanut sees our neighbors out walking their dogs he says hi. And then I have to prompt him on his manners for the rest of the conversation. I was so proud of him last night. Our neighbor Anna was walking her dog and this was the conversation:

Hi Anna!

Hi "peanut" how are you today?

I'm fine. thank you. good job buddy
How was your day Anna? i'm shocked now because i always have to remind him to return the question.

It was good, thank you for asking.

Your welcome. Bye! and he rode off on his little tricycle.

Anna came over to compliment me on his manners and conversation skills. My baby sure is growing up.

It's a celebration. Whoooooo Hooooo.

I am happy to announce that I am not procreating this month.
Thank you for all your comments.

So.
Let's just put it right out there.
I'm late.

Well, not me, my period. 2 days.

Last month I somehow messed up my pills and it came early, but it came so I stopped worrying about it. It is now haunting me.*

I am not happy. At all.

Have I mentioned the fact that I don't want anymore children? Ever. yes, I believe that's been covered.

Can I just tell you how juvenile it feels to be worried about a late period. I am old enough to know better and take better care of myself than this. AARRGH!

I have never been accidentally pregnant. I don't want to be now.

My biggest Question is what will I do? I don't honestly know.

I don't want another child.

I don't know if I could go thru with an abortion. I have very odd superstitions about it. a small part of me actually believes that if i were to get an abortion, God/karma(whatever) would let something horrible happen to my son to get back at me for it. It's crazy, I know, but I can't 100% convince myself that it won't happen.

I don't think I could put a child up for adoption either. What do you say to the person 18 years later when they come find you? "Sorry- my life was fine, I was married, both of us had jobs, I was already raising a son and well, the bottom line is I just didn't want you" ? I know, totally selfish, but there it is. Although I'm sure that it would be better to be alive and hear your birth mother say that to you instead of being aborted.

Also, I hardly have patience for my "normal" son. To be totally honest- as I try to be here- there is no way in hell i would have the patience for a "special needs" child. I know people with children like this and they amaze me, and i give them much credit, but it has also led me to absolutely know that I am a selfish person and not capable of taking care of someone who is not going to one day grow up, move out, and live their own life.
This is a real concern for me because since my last period I have:

• Taken numerous pain pills
• smoked about 30 packs of cigarettes
• taken more pain pills
• been out drinking 9 times
• more pain pills
• had an MRI done
• switched to new, stronger pain pills

None of these things would be good for pregnancy.

I guess all I can do is wait and see. Did I mention I'm not real good about being patient?

*this is worrying me because I am apparently "firtile Myrtle". the first time we tried to get pregnant, i concieved within 1 week of stopping my pills(miscarried). the second time was only 2 1/2 weeks after stopping my pills, so i get a little concerned when i screw up my only form of birth control.

Let me tell you what work I have done today.

Checked the voicemail. Filed 21 files. Logged in 1 job. Addressed 1 envelope and taken it to the mail box. Taken 7 phone messages. Given 1 quote. And put 3 entries into our Q&A.

This adds up to a total of 27 minutes of work. all day.

I never imagined it could be so tiring to have absolutely nothing to do. But it really is. I would like nothing better right now than to put my head down on my desk and take a nap. Instead I've been on the internet all day. It's so slow I haven't even tried to hide the fact that i've been web surfing. I mean my boss isn't stupid, he knows i don't have anything to do, so why bother trying to look busy?

I've been checking GG's site, and earlier they were talking about being feminists. I didn't have anything to say about that tho because to be honest I'm pretty bad at being a feminist. and it's kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am be perpetuating the "little woman" stereo type. But it doesn't really bother me as I truthfully feel that men and women are different, and not necessarily equal in all things. Yes we should get paid the same for doing the same work, and I would be upset if I was not hired for something just because I'm a woman and all the other basic feminist stuff, but beyond that......whatever. I like being a woman and I will admit that I like being treated differently than a man in some situations.

I live in a small town, full of "good ol' boy" mentality, and it doesn't bother me. I work for two of those "good ol' boys" and they are older men so they also have that old fashioned kind of mind set. They say things that would not fly in a big city-big corporation, but is perfectly fine around here. They tell off color and/or sexist jokes. I don't care, i think they're funny and tell some myself. My boss has never yelled at me like he does some of the guys. He's an older gentleman- he doesn't like to see women upset. As far as I'm concerned that can only work in my favor. I like my doors opened, and my dinners paid for. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

My boss came out of his office last week, put his hand on my shoulder and said "You do a good job girl."

When I told my friend G this, she said " god, like you're a child or something." i didn't take it that way tho. It's a small company and every one is treated like family. For instance my child was sick one day and couldn't go to daycare. I brought him to work with me and both my bosses spent most of their day talking/playing with him. So no I didn't take it like that, He's my grandfathers age and to me that's something my grandfather would say to me. If I was a raging feminist might I have been outraged by this comment? maybe. But i'm just me, and just me is pretty laid back.

I am an independent, smart, funny, woman. But I'm also a woman who likes a big strong man to take care of me every now and then.

I am officially afraid of the teenage years.

Friday night our neighbor's daughter B, snuck out of the house around 1 am, and didn't surface until about 8:15 Saturday night. 20 hours of worrying. Thankfully she's alright, and the reason she didn't try to sneak back in is because her friend called her to tell her that the police were looking for her. So she knew she was busted, no way to just sneak back in, and scared to go home and face the music.

How do you punish a 14 year old who doesn't care if she is grounded, not allowed to watch tv, or use the phone? Her parents are going crazy because they don't know what to do with her. Ever since she started highschool this year she has been running wild. Skipping class, cussing out teachers, not doing her work. i don't know, but hopefully it will be different with my son. I know our parenting styles are different so maybe that will help.

You have to understand that they are pretty strict with B about her friends and how she dresses, and I think they should be. But.......... they also treat their kids like servants . so I feel like most of this is their fault. The parents do no house work, the kids sweep, mop, vacuum, do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. On more than one occasion I have seen T(the dad-previously mentioned in another unflattering post), yell for one of the kids to go get him a drink or bring him something to eat instead of getting off his own lazy 298lb ass* (not an exageration). The kids do the parents laundry, they clean their bathroom, and vacuum their bedroom. I am all for kids doing chores but, they're your kids-not indentured servants.

The kids also don't spend the night at other people's houses. And as they have been "remodeling"** their house no one is allowed to come there. The kids are 10 and 14, isn't that what kids normally do at that age? The kids are not allowed to do normal kid stuff, and the parents are wondering why they act out in school. Seems somewhat obvious to me.

I grew up in a very, VERY, similar situation. About a year ago i tried to warn G(the mom) that her kids were going to rebel, I knew this from my own experience. But, well you can't tell people how to raise their kids, they do what they think is right even if it's not. And now they are paying the price.

So G came over last night to talk about the situation, and I didn't know what to tell her. My first response is that B needs a good ass kicking, but in this situation i don't think that is the right answer. So she asked me how my mom handled me when i did the same kind of things. My mom moved us 1,500 miles away. And by the time I had made new friends my mom had let up a little bit and started letting me go out with with them. G didn't even want to consider letting up on B as, you know, she's now grounded for infinity. It's a vicious circle that will just keep repeating itself until they figure it out.

I had issues with the way my mom raised me for a long time and as I write this I find it somewhat odd that I am friends with people who are raising their kids almost the same way. It's probably something I will think about all day.


*I know this is his exact weight because he was bragging yesterday about how he's down from 321lbs.

** they have been in the processof remodeling for 3 1/2 years now. The kids will be moved out by the time they're done.


Doing the read thru on this post it seems to me that the writing feels forced and hard to get thru. I am having a hard time today getting the thought inside my brain to translate well onto the computer and i should probably just erase this and try again later. But it's already here so....

Yesterday was our anniversary, we went to dinner and a comedy show that was really funny and then we were supposed to go out with some friends but when we got to their house everyone was pretty tired so we ended up hangin out there instead. Still it was fun and we had a really good time.


We don't usually get gifts for each other, but J surprised me with an mp3 player i've been wanting for a while. So he gets major credit for not only surprising me but doing it with something I really wanted. Love ya honey.

But that left me stranded because I didn't get him anything. He's been talking about this blue tooth thing, but as i'm technologically challenged I had to take him to the store with me so he could pick out what he wanted. That really takes the surprise out of it, so I felt the need to do something else for him. So.............I did it. I took some naked pictures like he's been asking for. But i made sure that my face and any identifying tatoos were not in the pictures. Plausible Deniabilty people. Anyway he was very surprised and happy with them.


Like an anorexic with food, he's been force feeding me- technology. I've had the same old ugly cell phone for 3 years,and I didn't really want a new one because, well... it rang and dialed out and what more did i need my cell phone to do anyway? last week his cell phone conveniently broke. So he HAD to get that new phone he's been wanting. uh huh. My husband really does know me tho, because when he got his new phone he also got me one. One i didn't want or need. Yeah, until he handed it to me. sooooo much cuter than the old one. And it takes pictures too. I guess that's what else i needed my phone to do.

Have a good sunday everyone. More tomorrow.

Dear Internet,

I do believe that I might be coming down with a small (hugely overblown) case of obsession with/for you. What? Are you scoffing at me? It's true, I tell you. Let's run down the basics.

• this morning i was rushed getting ready for work because i HAD to check on you. Had anyone been to my site? any new comments an GG's site?
• I clock in at work, check the phone messages, and then- yes, you guessed it, i check on you.
• compulsively, throughout the day, i am here. checking on you. Do you feel stalked yet? You might want to look into that restraining order soon.
• Right now, here I am writing to you instead of doing my work. Yes, i hear you laughingly say "what work?" still, I'm sure there is something my boss would rather be paying me to do.
• I leave work, pick up peanut from preschool, see my husband off to school, and then jump on the computer. Because really it's been over an hour and oh my god has anybody been to my site?
• cook dinner- check on you
• put peanut in the tub- check on you.
• put peanut to bed- yes, that's right-check on you.

I'm starting to obsess over my obsessing. So, from now on internet there will be rules. Guidlines. Boundaries.

I will not check on you before work- don't be like that internet- I really need that time to get ready. No internet, i will not just start getting up earlier.

I will make myself do at least one hour of work before i check on you. Yes, I know that if i do an hour of work first thing in the morning I will only have about another hours worth to stretch out the rest of my day.

When i get home, I will not check on you until it is time for peanut's bath. oh internet, no, don't cry- okay i will also check on you sometime in between- but just once internet. Why? Because internet, I need to be outside so my boy can play. Yes- outside, you know, fresh air. No, he can't just sit and watch tv all night.

And then i will tuck peanut in his bed and come visit you one more time, but only for a minute or two, okay internet? Because really, i need more sleep than you have been letting me get lately.

Oh and my tv misses me internet.

and the library called- yes they finally got thru to me- quit screening their calls internet- they would like to know if my love affair with their books is over or not. i haven't been to visit them in so long, I didn't even know what to say to them, they said their books are lonely without me internet. I just can't take you to bed with me like a good book. No- the laptop doesn't count!

So, like a good mommy with cable box parental controls- our time together will be restricted. okay, internet?

I have to go now, because for once i really do have work to do. and I'm gonna do it too- as soon as i get done checking GG's site.

What?!

Baby steps, Bob, Baby steps.

Seems like since the beginning of time, men have been after their women to give them dirty pictures of themselves. I know mine has, well for the last 8 years at least.

Suductive. suggestive. racy. sexy.? No. Dirty. If it's a picture that you wouldn't really mind if someone else saw it- well that decribes the first four. If it is a picture that would make you kill your husband, for showing it to ANYONE, after you were done dying of mortification, well that is a dirty picture. And my husband has been requesting these on a daily basis since i got a new camera phone. What do you think? Are dirty pictures a good idea? Ever? Or am I right in thinking that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I know, who has done the dirty deed, has ended up with their pics being seen by someone other than who it was intended for.

Case in point:

My sister's boyfriend died in a horrible car crash.
Here's the scenerio:
My sister, his mom, dad, brothers, mother of his child, & his 6 year old daughter- all gathered around my sister's computer to look for recent pictures for the funeral.

His mom: Do you have any recent pictures of him on here that we can use for the funeral?

Sis: oh um, no i dont think...

His mom: (crying) Oh, I thought you guys were talking the other day about downloading pictures on here.

Sis: (getting flustered) oh, yeah ummmmm. well, i can look and see what i have....

His dad: do you mind if we look thru them with you?

Sis:(FLUSTERED) ummm, welllllllllllllll, really i can't....

Sobbing mom: please B, i just need to.

Sis: *cough* *mumble**mumble*

Everyone: what?

Sis: *sigh* I really need to just look at them in private.

His mom: Why?
brother starts coughing (or is that a laugh) in the background.

Sis: I just... really, *sigh* hangs head Okay there are some, ummmm, well sexy pictures on there.

*crickets*
mother looks askance
*CRICKETS*

His mom: oh
more "coughing"
His dad: uh *cough* okay, well um just come get us when you're ready.

Sis: okay (looking at everything but them)

We laugh about this now, but really, can any good ever come out of a dirty picture?

Lets see, lots of stuff today.


so here's my first run at the spooky castle cake for the bake sale. hhmmm, well, i didn't finish it, no ghosts or anything because i decided to go with the pumpkin & mice cake. and i decided instead of making the cake- which did end up tasting like shit- did i mention i'm not a baker-i'm gonna make pumpkin bread in the round cake pans and then decorate it like a pumkin. for some reason cake is a no go for me but bread- bread i can do. so when i try it, i'll post those pictures too. what the cake is really supposed to look like.















My son and i started decorating our yard today, we're not very proficient with the spider webb stuff yet but it's getting there. when we carve the pumpkins they will sit on the bench behind the eyeball lights,, the skeleton under the tree lights up, and you can't really see them but the lights in the tree are spiders



here are my son and i last year. it took me 2 hrs to get all my blonde hair up and that color. this is the only time of year i miss working in a restaraunt because this year i can't dress up at work.for some reason this picture is posting funly. oh well
















AND HE'S OFF!
Mr. speed racer figured out how much fun it is to ride his tricycle. i think he rode about a mile and a half on it today, while i walked behind him. at least i got some exercise out of the deal. had the hardest time getting him to come in the house tho.


















random pictures of my peanut, stupid barber made him look like a lukemia kid!

Well, that's it, just random stuff today. see ya tomorrow.

In 1990 I turned 13, and with the turning of a new decade came a turning point in my life. It was for the worse, and has been previously discussed. But because of this- I LOVE THE 80's. Yep just like VH1, I Love me some 80's. Mostly.

Atari's,Gremlin dolls, cabbage patch kids, garbage pail kids, strawberry shortcake, rageddy ann and andy, care bears, and oh my sweet baby jebus- rainbow bright. and the cartoons- smurfs, scooby doo, He-man, She-ra, that crappy pacman one, voltron, and transformers. And then there are the movies.

I love the cheesy movies. And i admit that sometimes, I am COMPELLED to watch them when they are on tv. Seriously, I can't even guesstimate the number of times i have seen the goonies, breakfast club, can't buy me love, ferris buller, karate kid,top gun,or footloose-just to name a few. And i mean a very few, because there is actually a list of about 30. One might even call it an obsession.

But most especially- I love me some cheesy 80's music. 80's music= happiest childhood memories.
Rick Springfield/Jesse's Girl= first celebrity crush
Modonna/Papa Don't Preach= my 3 yr old brother repeatedly requesting to listen to "hop along beach"
Prince/Nicki= i think that's what it was called. Memorizing all the "dirty" words with my best friend.
Bangles/walk like an egyptian= the rollerskating rink.
There are so many that i don't even remember them all, until THAT song comes on. Yes,That one. That one that just brought another happy memory with it.

But........yes, isn't there always a but? 80's clothes? Not.So.Much. Not.At.All.

here's tonight's set up: bad singing of 80's karaoki music at G's house- 10 disks worth of music and a cordless mike.

G: hahahah, that was really bad. we need to practice more.
Me: at least we're not in public. tee hee.
G: *sigh* i don't know why, but i really love 80's music.
Me: memories, dummy. even bad 80's fashion brings funny memories. Oh Shit- the other day at J's mom's house i was looking thru a catalog and they were selling stir-up pants!
G: okay............So? I love stir up pants they're so comfortable and slimmimg.
Me: WHAT???!!! you are de-friended! seriously i have to go NOW. right now.(laughing)

that was not the end of the conversation but i will spare you the horrific logistics of her argument and instead leave you with this*:




And now,if you are done cursing me for making you vomit in your mouth, please explain to me how THAT is slimming??!!


* ps. to the unknown lady good enough to post these pictures on the internet- well, i know i don't know you and all, but since it seems like no one else is gonna tell ya- it's just not a good look for ya honey.

Do you ever just stop? stop-as you realize exactly what you are doing at that very moment? and then laugh hysterically because you can't believe that you're doing whatever it is you're doing. And then you take that extra couple seconds to wonder if you should keep doing it?

I took my pain meds a little while ago and i might have mentioned they make me a little..........yeah. So i decided to eat my lunch- you know, hoping food would counter act the meds.

I'm sitting here eating left over spaghetti and italian sausage- and what do you know, I got it all over my shirt. My white shirt. I don't even know why i wear white anymore, I really do know that i shouldn't, if i am planning on eating that day. You see i have the "my boobs love food" disease. I do. I swear. Ask anyone. My husband, family, friends- my son even laughs at me about it and he's only 3. I t does not matter what i am eating some part of the food ends up on the boob part of my shirt. And if the vee in my shirt is feeling particularly devious, the food goes right down my shirt and ends up in my bra- the crumbs then working their way under my boob so that i have to go in the bathroom and basically undress to get them all out. I know, yuck. I can't help it I tell ya.

So, My boss walks in, does a double take, smirks, and says" hmm, okay". I look down and realize that without even thinking about it, I have taken a paper towel and made myself a bib(Subconcious Bibbing- #1 sign of a true spiller). And now i am laughing, and taking those few extra seconds to wonder if i should leave it on, and talk to customer that way, or take it off and talk to customers with stains all over my shirt.

*SIGH*
Why couldn't i have done the bib BEFORE i got sauce all over me?

My job is boring. Really. Boring. Excrutiatingly. Painfully. Extremely. Enourmously. Gigantically. like watching paint dry, Boring.

The business is so slow right now- how slow is it- you ask. I have about 2 hrs of actual work every day that has to be painfully stretched into 8 hrs so I can look like I actually have something to do. I know that sounds easy right? It's not. There is only so much web surfing you can do in a day before that gets painfully boring. I know, there are other things i could do to pass the time, but really, talking on the phone and/or sleeping on my desk are sorta frowned upon around here. i love to read but I don't think my boss would appreciate paying me for it. I'm stuck. I need this job, and i hate starting at a new job so that means I won't go looking for one.

The problem is that I'm 29 years old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've never really known. in high school when everyone else was getting ready to go off to college to learn how to be whatever it is they wanted to be, I had no clue. So now I have no job skills, unless waiting on people is a skill- i don't think it is, I'm computer illiterate, and I only have 1 semester of community college under my belt. I't s a young life crisis.

Silence of the Lambs is one of my all time favorite movies, and i wanted clarice stearling's job real bad- then I grew up and said uhuh no I don't. i wanted to do something with photography at one point, maybe do weddings- but that would take up every weekend- which I like to spend with my family. Private eye- scratch that, i read too many books that made it seem glamorous but I'm sure in real life it's not.

I just don't know what i want to do. But I do know what I want my job to bring me. I want a steady income, i want to be employed- I don't have enough drive to be my own boss, i want weekends and Holidays off, i want benefits- vacation, sick time, health insurance, a 401 K, and i want to make enough money to buy stuff without worrying how to pay for it. I want to like my job.

My husband will be done with his schooling and hopefully employed with the Fire department by January or February. We have talked about me going back to school when that happens. I guess I better start figuring out what I want to do, so I will know what kind of schooling I will need.

I'm thinking about either para legal, or dental hygentist. I'm leaning more towards the dental hygentist- I have a friend going to school for that and she really likes it. The pay is pretty good and the benefits should be also.

Anybody reading this know anything about dental hygentists? any advice?

A couple months ago, at the day care my son used to attend, a new little boy named Gabriel started.

On the first day, peanut came home and told me that gabriel was mean to him and hit him. I was not very upset because kids are kids, and so i told peanut to just be extra nice to gabriel because it was his first day and maybe he was scared and didn't want to be there and maybe that's why he was feeling mean. I made peanut promise that he would be nice and try to play good with him.

The next evening when peanut was in the bathtub i asked him about gabriel. He told me that he had pushed him down and hit him again. I told peanut I would talk to his teacher about it. I talked to her and she told me she was sorry and that she was having some problems with gabriel's behavior that she was going to talk to his mother about.

The next evening, again in the tub, i noticed a dark bruise on peanut's arm. He said gabriel had pinched him really hard and made him cry. So I told peanut that if gabriel did anything to him anymore to hit him back and then go tell the teacher.

My husband was mad at me for saying that to him but,come on, at some point you have to defend yourself.

When I picked up peanut from daycare the next day, his teacher told me that there had been an altercation between them and peanut had punched gabriel hard in the face, but that she hadn't put my son in time out because he was just defending himself. I have to admit to a small part of me being proud that he stood up for himself.

The teacher talked to gabriel's mother and come to find out, gabriel was seeing a behavioral specialist for anger issues. your child is 4, with anger issues bad enough to see a specialist, and you don't think that is something you need to tell your day care provider?! She ended up telling the mother that she would not be able to watch him any more because he was too disruptive to all the other kids. It seems my son was not the only one gabriel was hitting.

So here's the thing, my husband was mad at me for telling peanut to hit gabriel back. We talked about it and I tried to explain to him that I know it's not good to encourage hitting or violence of any kind, but i don't want peanut to just take it either.

So, where is the middle ground? I don't want my son to be a bully, but I don't want to see him getting pushed around either. Just telling the teacher was not helping him-(I have a whole other post about this, which will have to wait until later because it's been 2 months since i yanked him out of there and it still pisses me off.) and if telling her wasn't helping, what else was he supposed to do? From every thing I've ever seen, the only way to get a bully to leave you alone is to stand up to them.

I want my son to grow up to be a good strong man, and in my eyes that includes sticking up for you and yours. i don't want my son to start fights, and i know there will be some- kids fight, but i also don't ever want to hear him say someone else started a fight and he didn't do anything, just stood there and took it.

I think we might have gotten worked up about the situation for nothing anyway, because since I moved him to his new preschool he hasn't had any problems, especially not with fighting, they all get along.

Whoo, one less thint to worry about for now.

I got the address for this article from Joy at the GG site, and i have to say- I think this lady might be off her freakin rocker.

Laura Mallory, of Atlanta Georgia, believes that all Harry Potter books should be banned from school because the series is an "evil attempt to indoctrinate children in the wicca religion." This whole sentence is just crazy.

Okay lets take it in pieces: (These statements represent only my opinion which might be different from yours, or not)

As far as I know about Wicca-i admit it's not much- but, it's not evil. They don't worship the devil. It's about nature and, you know, being one with the universe. Everything full circle, which sounds to me like- what goes around comes around,- which is just another way to quote the good book- do unto others. Nope that doesn't sound evil to me. I don't think harry potter books try to persuade readers about religion one way or another, but I have all the books at home, so I will go home tonight and see if I can find the hidden code detailing how I should join my nearest evil wiccan coven. oooh, i wonder if I'll have to do some sort of sacrifice, like burning the books maybe.

BANNING books. banning BOOKS. banning books. Okay, yeah, that sounds just as messed up no matter how i write it. Banning Books in SCHOOL. This is starting to sound worse. Hello, what-are we living in the movie "Foot Loose" here? you can't ban books in school. well, i guess you can but, you shouldn't. unless they are pornographic and/or obscene, but that's just common sense. Books are in school for a reason- to promote reading aka learning. If Harry Potter books are interesting enough that kids want to read them then i say read away. But maybe that is just the evil wiccan brainwashing i recieved subconciously thru reading them.

I think Laura Mallory should keep her censoring puritanical ideas at home with her own family. It is not the school or anyone else's job to raise your children. If you don't want your kid to read or watch something- Be A Parent. Children need to have guidlines, set by their parents. For instance: my son is no longer allowed to watch power rangers because after the one and only time he ever watched it, he asked me to play with him, and then karate kicked me in the neck. And I am totally responsible for that, i let him watch it. Do i think it should be banned from tv because of it? no, because other kids are perfectly able to watch the show and have no problems.

If you are worried that a children's book will lure your kid to the dark side- take them to church more. make sure they know whatever religion you want them to know, good enough so that they know the difference between a story and belief in that religion. If a child is at a reading level high enough to read Harry Potter, then his intelligence should be at a level high enough to understand that it is only a good book, there to entertain them and help their imagination grow.

Stop trying to stifle other children and worry about how to raise your own to behave in a manner you feel is appropriate.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE
BOOHOO BOOHOO BOOHOO BOOOHOO BOOHOO

Yep, That about sums it up. I hate feeling like this. I know it is my back pain and these effin pain pills, but I hate it. What is going on, it's not time for PMS yet. I feel like some kind of druggie deviant- i caught myself 4 or 5 times today watching the clock to see if it was time for another pill. I got another hour to go. Fuck.Me.

My friend G just left a little while ago. Good riddance. See? That's how it is tonight. She is the biggest damn hypochondriac, and god forbid something should be wrong with someone besides herself. I was talking to her the other day about possibly(read: mostLikely) needing back surgery. So she stopped by tonight to inform me about her hemeroids. umm.....ick?! yeah. apparently they are so bad she is thinking about having them removed. like surgery. hmmm. Well boo hoo to you. Can't you see i don't care! well yes i guess she could tell because then she started saying shit like"oh my god, they're so bad. Do you think it could be something like colon cancer?" What?! No. shut the fuck up, you have fuckin hemeroids. take some stool softener and call me in the morning- better yet, don't. I know that's really mean right? well i just don't have it in me to coddle her craziness tonight. Sometimes i just don't feel like being nice. ya know. so i came here to let it out. insert boo freakin hoo here.

Ha,ha,ha,ha... on a totally different subject, from where i am at on the computer i can see my son in the bathtub. I gotta go get him out now because lately he has become obsessed with touching his private parts. I know it's a natural thing for him to do, but....... I don't know, he really likes it.

So I'm off, more tommorow.
whaa na whaa whaa whaa

Some times I wonder why people think it's okay to ask questions and then give advice that is totally unwanted.

The Question:
"So, when are you guys gonna have another one(child)"

The Answer:
"We're not. Ever."

Don't get me wrong, we love our son, but we're happy with our little family and don't feel the need to add to it. For some reason alot of people can't understand this. We get comments like- oh, you have to have another one then he will have some one to play with. and- Every kid needs a brother or sister. Don't you worry that he will be lonely? He will have a better child hood if he had siblings.

Why? Why would everything in his life be better? He has people to play with. He has cousins, neighborhood friends, and preschool friends. He has his own toys/room/bathroom/parents. Will it damage him to NOT have to share these things? Is there some Dateline episode I missed out on somewhere explaining how "only children" turn into psychotic, anti social, serial killers?

Would it be so bad for him to grow up in a home where the parents are able to afford whatever- within reason- activities he wants to participate in? Will it hurt him if his parents are able to afford to send him to college because they don't have 2 educations to worry about?

People act like they don't know it's expensive to have children. Why not have more? Yes, why not. I mean it's really not hard to pay for- medical expenses, childcare, food, pull ups, clothing, and toys. And then there will be the activities coming soon- soccor, t-ball, pee wee football, tae kwon do, birthday parties for friends, name brand clothes and shoes, dates, cars, proms, dances, braces, school trips, vacations, college, and things I haven't even begun to imagine.

Skip some of this stuff? It's not all necesary? I know that, but that is my point. Every one I know says they want their kids to have the stuff they didn't have growing up. Why can't people understand that we want that for our child too? Having another child would stretch us financially. Everyone would lose out, not just our son. What about the stuff that WE want? You know- new house, car, trips. It all gets harder the more kids you have.

And it pisses me off when I have to defend OUR decision. It is OUR decision, my husband is in complete agreement with me on this. I don't feel like I should have to explain my family/lifestyle to other people. I would never say to someone - why? Why did you feel the need to have more than 1 child, why did you feel the need to have ANY? So I think from now on, whenever someone asks me the question, and i say we're not- if they want to know why, i am going to give them the craziest story which will make them wish they never asked. Maybe something like this:

"After I had my son, I accidently got locked in with 100 criminally insane men. They raped me one by one resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. I didn't want to have an insane child- a la Freddy Creuger- so i got an abortion. There was quite alot of internal trauma, due to 100 men being in there, so there were complications during the abortion, resulting in me not being able to have any more children."

I wonder what they will say to that.

Not much going on today. Still taking my pain meds, and the Doctor put me on steroids for 2 weeks. I'm on day #3 and not feeling better yet. Hope they start working soon. i like that "spacey" feeling you get from pain pills occasionally, but I'm kinda getting sick of that now.

Let's see what else? Tonight when i get home from work, I am gonna decorate the castle cake. I was gonna try the pumpkin first, but i couldn't find the bowl cake pan i need for it. Guess i will have to run by "Michael's" and see if they have one.

I'm avoiding today. I need to call my friend M and see how she is doing after the funeral, but......
I don't know, I'm just not a, good dealing with other people's grief, kinda person. And I need to call my dad, he was supposed to come visit this month but I told him thanksgiving would be better for me. He sounded kinda let down when i told him, but with me and J working all day, and then J at school everynight and saturdays, no one would even be home to visit with them.

I guess that's it for now. hopefully a less boring post later.