My Peanut Gallery

okay not really, but as i hate verizon right now, they are getting the blame. I say why not.

Currently, I am high on pain meds. Lovely vicoden. So the post will probably be some what rambley.

So, I woke up yesterday morning and almost couldn't walk. shooting pain from my lower back down my right leg. it's happened before so i know exactly what this pain means. it's a freakin slipped disk. i've already had surgery for this when i was 17, so i kinda know what to expect, but i'm hoping i won't have to. my doctor put me on steroids to see if it will fix itself, but he doesn't think it will. so, 2 weeks of steroids, and then an MRI, and then we get to have the SURGERY talk. in the meantime tho i have some pretty good meds. boo hoo poor me.

Also, VERIZON- you suck ass, and i can't wait till comcast comes to re hook up our internet service. Which is not happening until tuesday or wednesday.That sucks. It's a long story, which involved my husband being on the phone with verizon for about 8 hrs between 2 days. short version: they turned off our service because we are switching to comcast, however they turned it off 1 week too early. Assholes. so my husband calls and argues with them, and they say they can not turn it back on without someone coming out to our house- which no one can do till next week anyway. so we ask, why? why does someone have to come here to turn it back on? no one had to come here to turn it off. we never really got an answer for that question.

so, no internet for a week. and my back is killing me.

have fun internet- i'll see you on monday.

In golf a mulligan is a redo, right?

I need go back to sleep, wake up, and redo this morning.

So far today i have managed to break the copy machine, forget to send out a job-which was due to be done today, and totally confuse the hell out of myself on 4 other jobs.

"Hi, i faxed you a job order on monday, and i was just wondering if it's ready yet."
um, no- no it isn't. why? because i just found your job sitting on my "hold" pile for some reason.
"I'm sorry, it's hasn't gotten back to me yet, but I'll make sure it gets done(oops-goes out) first thing in the morning, and have it back to you tomorrow afternoon."

Some how i managed to end up with 4 new jobs with only 2 new job #'s between them. Not good. 4 jobs= 4 #'s
after a small panic attack, i think i got this one straightened out

"Hi, I'm calling about job # ****013"
"Hmm...you should have it by now, I mailed it on monday."
"Oh, okay maybe I will get it today"

So i go looking for this job that i know i mailed on monday. yeah, i did. except i mailed the other job #****013. At least what i did mail went to the right people. So i gave her job a new # and then had to call her back and explain that the job i mailed was actually not hers and that hers was not due till monday of next week and would be ready then.

and then i found out i did the same thing with another job.
Rinse, Lather, Repeat

sheesh
It's only 10:30.

Okay, the nigerian e-mail scam- it's a thing of the past. We have now moved on to the "Crocodile Hunter, Terri Irwin" scam.

For a "small" "processing fee",you can now help Terri Irwin, wife of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, keep her money safe from "the bank". Mmm Hmm, the bank. Which wants to use her money for....... Nuclear Weapons. She really needs your help now that she is "suffering from a cancer illness". Should you choose to take her up on this very generous offer, you will recieve 40% of "the funds", while the other 60% goes to " the development of the church and mosque in Africa, Asia, and Europe". See how generous she is, I mean if she gives you 40% and uses 60% for churches and mosques, then she has nothing left to live on and raise her own kids. But that's okay, she just doesn't want "the bank" to get their greedy little, nuclear weapon buying, hands on it. You can go here to read the whole story- you know if you want to, even tho I pretty much just plagerized the whole thing and added my own comments.

Who falls for this stuff? No really, WHO FALLS FOR THIS STUFF? Somebody does because e-mail scams are apparently a billion dollar industry. No, no need to go back and re-read that sentence, i said a BILLION DOLLARS. Where do I sign up?!

Have you ever fallen for one of these scams(oops, i meant legitimate inheritance notice)? you can tell me, I won't make fun of you(hahaha-right). no really, I just want to know WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING THRU YOUR MIND when you handed over your bank account info to total strangers, only to be SURPRISED when you didn't get your payout.

C'mon you can tell me.



Oh, and you should go here. Check it out- it's funny

See I told ya, brilliant. Not really, but since i didn't have anything better to do i figured out how to do this. yes that little link there should take you to the GG site. and this one should take you to another funny site. yay to me, i have been trying to figure out how to do that for a couple days now. Yes i said a couple days. i don't think you people understand just how computer illiterate I am. Okay, I'm off to add more links to my side bar.

You know when I started this blog( all 25 days ago) I really had so many ideas about what i was gonna write about. I can't seem to remember anymore what they were. But that's okay they will come back to me, or not.

In the meantime I have no idea what I want to talk about today, except that I think I'm gonna try to make one of those cakes tonight. I'm thinking everyone I know will be eating cake between now and "Oktoberfest" cause I'm gonna need a lot of trial runs to get it right. Hope they don't taste like shit. Oh well if they do.

I guess I should get back to work now. Sorry for the boring post. Maybe I will think up something brilliant later(hahahaa).

My page is screwed up, and i think i did it somehow by putting those pictures in my last post. Sorry the site looks like crap, hopefully i can fix it.

UPDATE: Yay I did it (I think). Any way it looks fixed.

The phone rings. and you answer it.

I'ts your friend M, and she tells you that R's 17 month old baby drowned in the pool in his own backyard yesterday. And you are 3 minutes into the conversation before you realize she is talking about her sister in law R, and that the baby was her nephew.

You know these people, have been at family functions, seen the ups and downs. And you automatically have questions, but you don't ask because the answers don't matter, nothing matters. The baby is dead.

You now have no idea of what to say because you already know anything you can say or do will never make this any better. So you say you're sorry and ask if there's anything you can do. And she says no, like you knew she would, because the only thing that could help would be for it to never have happened. So you listen to her, and cry with her, and then she says she has to go. You tell her to call back ANYTIME she needs to talk. And she says okay, but she won't, that's not her thing- she doesn't talk about bad stuff because to say it makes it true, and you know this about her so you will wait a couple days and then call to check on her instead. It's a sign of how bad it is that she even called to talk about it at all.

So you get off the phone and you sit there and think about it, and then you start to feel horrible because deep down in a small part of your gut, you feel relief. Relief that it wasn't your child. And you feel bad about that relief but you can't help feeling it because you never want to even imagine what R is going thru, let alone live thru it.

You look over at your own little boy and realize that even though he's not a baby any more, he's still your baby. And you love him more everyday. You love him more than you ever thought could even be possible. And you wonder how R is not going crazy right now, and then you think that maybe she IS.

So you scoop him up and hug him to you sooo hard, and you remind yourself that life is short and terrible accidents happen everyday. And then he asks you to come play with him, just like he did a couple minutes before the phone rang.

Only this time you don't say " maybe later".

I hate you. Hate Hate Hate you. You cheated on me with some little slut bag. I caught you red hannded as the saying goes. You broke my heart!! Where the hell did you find that little skank? no, I don't want to know. This little fantasy you have of a new family with her- think again. That bitch will never raise MY son.

In open court you told people stuff that was only between us, things we had done, things we had said. Another betrayal. How many are there? How many more surprises are you gonna throw at me? When we left the lawyer's office i saw you get into Macy's car......and what?!! What the Fuck? Why would you be getting into her car? We haven't see her in like 4 years. What the hell....?

OR.....or this could just be some random FUCKED UP dream i had this morning, and now i get to be mad at you all day for something you didn't even do. Sorry.

It has been decided. October is my most favorite month of the year, and as such has been renamed as Octobertastic. I know, it's a mouth a full. There are so many good things about octobertastic, there's holloween, my wedding anniversary(oct.14th- you know just in case you wanted to send me something;), and time-shares at Ft. Myers Beach. My in-laws have 2 units at the time share, 1 for them, and 1 for each set of kids& grandkids to come to for 2 days each. Like mini family vacations. My husband and i can't get any time off during the week this year so we got friday night thru sunday as our days to be at the beach.

Ahh....2 & 1/2 days at the beach, except better. The time share is right across the street from the beach- look out the window-see the beach, sitting out by the pool -see the beach. "Pool??!!" you ask, and i answer YES most definately. Here's the thing, i hate the beach. Okay maybe not hate but...uh yeah actually i do, i hate the beach. I hate how dry salt water feels on my skin, i hate the process of trying to get all the sand off before you get in the car, only to end up with half the beach on your seats and floor boards, i hate the nasty public restrooms that never get cleaned, i hate trudging thru hot sand with 50 lbs. of beach going neccesities.

I also don't go in the water anymore. I know-CHICKEN!! Call me what you will, but sharks can be in as little as 3 feet of water- which means i won't go farther than that, and with in those first 3 feet there are jelly fish and sting rays, and we all know how that turns out (my son misses you Steve Irwin). Ocean= no go.

You will not believe the hard time my husband gives me about this. When we were on our honeymoon cruise, we went to the Grand Camans, where we signed up for a snorkling tour. Yeah, the tour went to "sting ray city". That's right, it was a sand bar out in the middle of the ocean where they throw food of the back of the boat and THOUSANDS of BIG ASS STINGRAYS come to eat. and then your supposed to put on your snorkel gear and get in the water. I had almost talked myself into it, when what does the captain say? "Do not panic if the sting rays come up to you. They like to suck the salt off your body, which leaves a little hicky like mark, but doesn't hurt." OH HELL NO. My husband reminded me of the amount of money we had spent for this tour, so i told him "fine then" and got in the water. and spent the whole time clinging to his back like a monkey. I'll see if i can find a picture to post.

So like i said the ocean/beach is not my thing. But what i do like to do is walk across the street, look for shells with my son, let him go in the water(no further than 3 feet tho), let him play in the sand, and then walk back across the street and jump in the pool. There's no clean up, no lugging of beach neccesities, and we have a clean bathroom. Yes this is definately the way to "go to the beach".

Holloween is my favorite holiday- no gift giving, no family gatherings, pumkin carving, loads of free candy, and you get to dress up in a costume. And WHOO HOOO it's comin next month!! My son is old enough this year to be excited about trick or treating. He has decided he wants to be a teenage mutant ninja turtle. There is no buying of generic costumes in this house, they must be made- sometimes parts of a costume are used but alot of it is made. He already has the knee & elbow pads, the eye mask, and leonardo's sword so i just have to figure out how i'm gonna make the turtle shell. Last year he was oscar the grouch and while the costume didn't come out exactly as i wanted, it was still pretty good.

ahhhh... the sound of squeeling children,doorbells, "tick or treats", "thank you's" in unison, and the repeated question of "why, why can't i eat it yet?" and then the best part of the night comes.... we leave the sugar laden boy with my mom and head out to the annual get so drunk you: lose your cell phone, do 3 keg stands, make out with other chicks**, flash every one your boobs, shake your booty,fall down(alot), and pull over to puke, holloween party. I can't wait.

I got nothing. Nothing i feel like writing about, nothing going on, nothing funny. I'm feeling really BLAH BLAH BLAH. I hope it's just pms, i hate having days like this. So lets talk about stuff that makes me feel good.

rainy days with a good book, vacations, peanut children, the song "walking on sunshine" seriously for some reason that song makes me giddy, the movie "goonies"- also giddy, tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, shopping-sometimes, peanut laughter, husbands, treadmills, chocolate yoplait whips yogurt, bed sheets right out of the dryer, new haircuts, pedicures, new shoes, my new mattress- it's so comfy, drinking with friends,
"raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens........", sorry got a little carried away there.

So lets see, if i leave work early( i'm suddenly feeling sick *cough*cough*) i could do about half the stuff on my list. It's gonna rain, I could go buy a new book to read, then go rent the "goonies", pick up peanut from preschool, make tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner, have him watch the movie with me(if he'll sit still long enough), put him to bed and get on the treadmill, and then sleep on some nice clean sheets. That sounds a lot better than what i am doing right now (work). *cough * hack* cough*

Tell me- what things make you feel good on nasty days?

Before going to the poker game last night, our neighbor(T) found out his hot water heater is leaking, alot, so it needs to be replaced. Being the nice guy that he is, my husband said he would fix it.

My husband has mr. fix-it powers. Really, if he was a super hero, fixing things would be his power. leaky faucet? check. roof leaking? check. need any piece of electronical equipment hooked up? check. new kitchen cabinets? check. new lights/ceiling fans installed?check. need to add an addition to your house? check. I swear i am not exagerating. he and his dad added a bedroom, family room, and lanai to our house. they did it all from the footers to electrical to walls to drywall to roof. The only thing we hired out was the concrete pour.

Here's the problem-this is my husband's(aka J from here on out) schedule:
Monday- work 7-4, school 6-10pm
Tuesday- work 7-4, school 6-10pm
Wednesday-work 7-4, school 6-10, stay overnight at FD until 7am for volunteer hours which are a required part of school.
Thursday- work 8-4, 6-11 physical training at FD
Friday- work 7-4
Saturday- 7am- 5pm school & physical training at FD
Sunday- Off

So as you can see he does not have much free time. Friday night, saturday night, and sunday is the only time he has to finish any homework, study, and spend time with us.

Last night at the game, we had a long discussion about how today would be a really hard day at the Fire Department because they are doing "control burns"( J explained this in detail but i was drunk and busy imagining hot sweaty firemen), and they would be outside, fully suited up, in 98 degree weather(Florida) all day.

This is a conversation I just had with T:

T: I went to get the pieces for the hot water heater, but home depot was out of stock on one of the parts. I have to go to work so just tell J I left my atm card and pin # on the counter, he can run by the bank to get out some money and then go get whatever else he is gonna need. Just tell him to leave the change and receipt back on the counter where i can find it.

Me: Ummm, okay but if you already went to home depot and they don't have the part, where is he supposed to get it from?

T: well he can check the other home depot( 20 minutes away) or lowes (25 minutes away) or he could try ace hardware(which closes at 5- see schedule above).

Me: okay but, remember last night when he talked about what they were doing today? He's gonna be tired so i don't know if he is gonna want to be runnin around looking for parts. (said in a very nice voice)

T: well i guess it doesn't matter if he waits till tommorow cause no one else is home this weekend so if i have to i'll just take a cold shower tommorow.(said in a somewhat snippy voice)

Me: okay, bye.

Now is it just me or was T extremely rude? I mean, fully knowing how hectic J's life is right now, why couldn't T go to all those other places to look for the part to fix HIS stupid water heater? So now when my husband gets home he has to go to the bank, go get the part, fix the water heater,and then haul the old one away- because technically you are supposed to have a permit to change it out, so if you put it out to the road for the garbage truck you get fined for no permit.

What was I saying- IF J was a super hero,- apparently T already thinks he is

I always thought that if someone was doing you a favor you did all you could to make it as easy as possible for them, and to just be appreciative and let them get to it when they could. I mean it's a Favor after all. Maybe thats just me tho.

"Hahahhahah, yeah bring a lot of money too, cause I'll be hapy to take it from ya. Girls don't know how to play POKER!"

This was the comment that was said when i agreed to go to tonight's poker game at a coworkers house. Not by the host of said game but by another person who will be playing. Now this other person does not work with me, he is the husband of someone who used to work here. They also happen to be my neighbors. It must be said that many game nights have been played between our two houses. Granted, not poker, but numerous other games.

That being said, let's go over the games that he has gotten his ass kicked by me. Phase ten, rummy, scattergories, trivial pursuit, monopoly(and i hate this game), some marble game they have, dirty minds, pictionary, and battle of the sexes (not sure if that is the right name). No, I'm not saying I always win, but there is a large percentage in the win category.

So yee of too much faith in yourself, and not so much in me, maybe you want to think about our track record before you start saying things like that to me.

Because now, I am determined to kick your ass at poker too, and then sing this little victory chant: Na Na Na Na Na Na, I kicked your ah-ess, Na Na Na Na Na Na, i kicked your ah-ess.
I am so mature.

UPDATE:
Na na na na naaaa na. uh huh that's right. I drank pineapple upside down cake martinis all night long and still whooped your butt. winnings- $55 in a quarters poker game.

I recently wrote about how I came up with the name " The Peanut Gallery", on another site, and realized that I should probably put the info up here also.

The peanut gallery was originally the area in a theater, farthest away from the stage with the cheapest seats. Affordable for the "low class" citizens, who's usual snack of peanuts were used for throwing and heckling the actors on stage. Hecklers, heh heh, a loud and obnoxious bunch. Really who doesn't love a good heckler.

In more modern times the term "peanut gallery" was used as the area where the children sat on the set at the Howdy Doody Show. Also a loud and boisterous group.

My peanut gallery started when I was little. Anytime my mom did something that made me laugh, she would smile and say "hey! no comments from the peanut gallery." Now I have my own son and he is my little peanut gallery. He never lets one slide, he calls me on everything. He's only three years old and he already makes fun of things(mainly me).

I do believe I might have a little heckler in training.

So.
I missed the episode of Project Runway last night. Someone has just informed me that there were leggings involved.....I don't even know where to begin.

Recently I saw this travesty of fashion at the mall- a bell hem and leggings. Together, on the same person. ??!!. And now they are using LEGGINGS on my #1 favorite show.

Please, please, lord, do not let this be happening. What's next? Rolled jeans with 2 pairs of color coordinated socks? Bill Cosbyesque sweaters? Side pony tails high on the crown of our heads? Nylon jackets with huge geometrical patterns in shades of fuschia and turquoise? Jelly shoes? Sweater dresses? Shoulder pads? Huge mall/Jersey hair? Wasn't the return of the "skinny jean" enough for you? Will we be resubjected to stir-up pants? What about stretch pants- these have never made anyone look good in my opinion. Where.Does.It.End?

Okay, I am going now- straight to the store to buy all the mid-rise boot cut jeans I can find. I wonder how many pairs I will need to make it through this nuclear armageddon of fashion that seems to be on the horizon.

Some of the things my peanut said to me between last night and this morning:

"mommy, you have to come play with me cause yer my maginary friend."

"it is not nasty to eat my boogers!"

"can i be a big brother soon?"

"mommy, what are these things with my peepee?.....look, the bath made them all wrinkly like my fingers."

"mommy why don't you have a peepee?.......well, can i see your bagina?"

"why? you brushed them last night." (his teeth)

"can i have $20.?" ( i don't know where this is coming from, he's only 3. i thought i would have a little more time before dealing with requests for money)

"i don't want chicken, i want some gum........yes it is food, you chew it up!"

"mommy! come look how big my poop is!"

"it is too broken! you see that scratch right there? my knee is broken...... mommy it's not funny!....STOP LAUGHING"

"well i wont be yer son no more then!......yes you could still be my mommy, but i'm not yer son cause yer makin me mad, my knee is willy broked."

"i need a new band aid......yes it is bleedin, look!"(as he picks the scab off)

"i'm not tired...no, i'm not yawnin, i am just stretchin my face."

This, aahhh this, one of the many reasons to have kids. Who knew he would be good for so many hours of comic relief.

Yay,yay, and yay!

Yay to me...I am on someone's favorite list. that's right- my page has been added. I'm very excited. "no security" if ya read this- congratulations i do believe you were my first reader, and I know you are my first favorites adder- erm... when i figure out the prize......umm.... oooh I'll show up at your door like Ed McMahon(sp?). K?

Yay to my husband who was so worried about midterms, and then passed with a 90%.
also yay to my husband who found out last night his raise went through, including retro.
*riiiinnnggg* * riiinnngg* Hello? yes? oh yes hullooo new kitchen cabinets, I DO hearing you calling my name ever so sweetly.

Yay to my little peanut for making it through the day without the usage of any F bombs(currently a small problem), and no theft of teacher's cameras. Good boy!

Soooooo.... Yay. Yay to you, Yay to me, Yay to all.

oh yes new shoes, I'm sorry musn't forget you. Yay to you new shoes, even though I'm pretty sure you and your 4 inch heels will be involving me in some horrible freak accident, ending with my broken neck.

Mom,

I wrote a post about you today, because I was having some doubts about being a good mother, and it painted you in a bad light. Everything that I wrote was true for the time that I was growing up, and while still true today, maybe less so. Now that I am older I understand that you used to be extremely unhappy and dissapointed with your life. You had an alcoholic husband that couldn't keep a job, forcing you to work 2 sometimes 3 jobs. Thankfully you finally got divorced, and that was hard too. Your next boyfriend was a controlling jerk who paid the bills but mandated how you lived your life. You moved us to Florida with a promise of a better life, it wasn't- but you couldn't do anything about it because we were dependant on him. Being the control freak that he is, he moved us 20 miles from anywhere knowing that you are legally blind and unable to drive, ensuring you wouldn't be leaving him anytime soon.

I understand that after your previous husband, you had a need for someone to love you and take care of you for a change. I just want you to know that we needed you to love us and take care of us too. I understand, and I have tried to let it go.

Most importantly- thank you for loving my son in a way that, for whatever reason, you could not love me. Maybe it is easier now that your life is in a better place. We have no doubt that you really do love him.

Thank you for trying to do a better job raising my little sister than you did with me.From talking to her I gather that some of the same stuff was said/done to her, but I do believe an effort was made. Thank you for realizing the way i was feeling about you and not wanting her to feel the same way. Thank you for caring that she would feel that way.

Thank you for never offering advice to me about anything. Thank you for knowing that I do not want it, and thank you for not putting me in the posistion of having to remind you of that.

Thank you for not being someone i could rely on, it has made me an extremely capable and independant person.

Thank you for teaching me how to be emotionally distant- It has made dealing with how you used to be that much easier.

Thank you for mellowing and showing your dissappointment through tears. These are easier for me to deal with than screaming.

Thank you for saying "I love you" when we get off of the phone- even if i always have to say it first.

Thank you for not calling me crying anymore about how you know what a terrible mother you were and how you feel so bad about it. We've already been through this. Thank you for understanding that it's not my job to make you feel better about the things you have or have not done in your life.

Thank you for knowing and accepting your role as a guest in my house. Thank you for only having to be told to leave 1 time before accepting it.

Thank you for the offer of financial help at a stressful time, please do not feel slighted that we did not take it- we didn't take it from his parents either. I don't like to borrow or owe someone for money, I like to make my own way. Thank you for teaching me that.

Thank you for letting me see you go to work everyday- no matter what, it has taught me good work ethics. Thank you for teaching me that if I wanted something, I would have to work for it. We had to work 2 jobs each to pay for the wedding and have the down payment for the house, but it was worth it. How many other 22 year olds did I know that owned their own home? Not many.

Thank you for having me, knowing that if you had not your life could have been different.

I got some love and support that I needed today from a great group of very smart women, so thank you- thank you for being the way that you were so that I could appreciate the kindness of strangers that much more.

Now I have to let go, so thank you because the thing that I am most grateful for is knowing that while I will make mistakes of my own, I will never make the same ones you did.

Your Daughter

Disclaimer #1: this post is not a slap at my mother- I have come to terms with my feelings about her. It is however the truth as I see it, which probably varies somewhat from the truth as she sees it.

Disclaimer #2: this will probably be a long post so if you happen to stumble across it, be prepared.

You know the saying that some people just shouldn’t have children? My mother is one of those people. Think YA-YA sisterhood without the fun manic times. It took my husband 4 years to convince me to have a child for the simple fact that I was scared that I would be just as bad a parent as she was.

My mother is an emotionally distant person. Hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s”, were not present in our home, “I hate you” was more her style.

She told me she hated me a couple times a week. I was stupid, I was fat, I was a moron, and I was a waste of space. I was told more than once that I was an accident that she “should have gotten rid of like the last one.”

Forget to feed the dog? – got the belt
Didn’t eat all your food? – Don’t worry it’s in the fridge for breakfast the next morning,
And I got the belt
Chores not done in a timely manner? – the belt

I don’t remember how many times I had to scrub the linoleum floor in the kitchen with a toothbrush.

My baby sister came along when I was 10 & ½, by the time I was 13 she was my responsibility. I fed her, clothed her, and bathed her. If I went somewhere she came with me, if I wanted to spend the night somewhere- she came with me. My sister was my daughter- another reason why it took me so long to want children. The only time I did not have her is when I was in school.

When I was 13 we had an argument about me not wanting to take my sister with me to a slumber party for a friend’s birthday. She told me to give her my key and get the f@*k out of her house. I had no where to go so I wandered around until 4:00 in the morning, when I got home I had to apologize and beg her to let me in the house. We lived in a big city in upstate NY- she never even went looking for me.

We moved to Florida 3 weeks before my 16th birthday- I had no friends or other relatives here- she forgot my birthday. When I was 17, I went to visit my dad in another state during summer vacation. I was gone 2 weeks before the guy we lived with asked where I was. When my mom told him I was at my Dad’s house, he got mad and told her I couldn’t come back to his house. She moved into the house on the street behind him, gave him a couple weeks to cool off and got back together with him. At least I now had somewhere for me and my sister to live with out having to see her that often.

At my graduation she told me I better get a job quick so that I could start paying rent- since she was paying for a house she wasn’t living in anyway. Like that was my fault or my problem. I moved out and have never went back to live with her. I once wrote her a letter, letting it all out and telling her that she basically sucked as a parent. To paraphrase her response : “What are you complaining about? You had a roof over your head and food on the table.”

I let her affect my life in one way or another for years. The only time I saw or spoke to her was at other family members home’s at holidays. I went on with my life. I slept around because I was looking for someone to love me, thankfully I figured out pretty quick that was not the way to do it. Then it was drugs- until I decided that wasn’t for me either.

Thank god for my husband. He had the patience of a saint to reel me in. I don’t know how many times I almost ran from him because I thought he was a controlling mama’s boy. ( He talks to his mom about every other day and would call me to make sure I had gotten home okay, or to see what I was doing.) Needless to say I was not used to this situation. He wore me down slowly. We were married 2 & 1/2 years later.

I woke up one day shortly after that, and realized that it didn’t matter anymore. I honestly didn’t care how she would feel about any part of my life. I don’t know how, but I was able to let go for real this time and move on with my life. I guess I realized that as bad as it was, it could have been worse.

I once read a line in a book that I will never forget - “ I don’t care enough about you to hate you”. Is it sad that this is where I’m at with my mother-yes. Am I so very grateful that I was able to get here- absolutely.

So here comes the point of this story. Motherhood.

I am trying to learn how not to be, by the way that she was.
I will never tell my child I hate him. Never say never does not apply in this case.
I will never hit my son with anything other than my hand. He does occasionally get spanked.
I will not be emotionally distant with my son. I tell him I love him about 20 times a day.
I will do my best to always be there for him at put him first in all things in my life.
I will learn from my mistakes and try to not repeat them.

A couple nights ago as I was putting my son to bed, he put his little hands on my face and said “ I’m sorry I was bad today.” I responded “ that’s okay baby, I love you and tomorrow’s another day.” He said “ no mommy now you’re posed to say you’re sorry you schreamed at me.” I told him I was sorry, tucked him in, and went to my room to cry.

I will learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat them.

I am a good mom, I am a good mom, I am a good mom.
If I say it enough will I eventually believe it?

I have a smart kid. Thank God. He amazes me everyday with the things that he knows and/or says. We took him for his yearly checkup last month and the doctor was impressed, his teacher at preschool is also impressed. Impressed-their word. Having a smart kid is always great but sometimes it can also be a challenge.

I think it’s great that my son could count to ten by himself at 19 months, and that now he can say his ABC’s and count to 10 in Spanish and 15 in English, knows his colors and shapes, can recognize and write some letters, remembers his whole name, phone #, and address, can remember stuff you told him months ago, and has a wonderful imagination.
He loves to sing and dance and make up stories.

He also loves to come up with “great ideas”. And here comes the challenging part, as his ideas often lead to trouble. For example, yesterday he and his little band of merry brothers decided to steal the teacher’s camera and proceeded to take multiple pictures with it. That’s right the new teacher -as in her first day. The same teacher that we had a long talk about the night before, during which we discussed how he was gonna be a good boy and listen and be nice to the new teacher. I see a future of whoopee cushions, tacks, frogs, snakes, etc.

It’s also hard to lie to him, he remembers stuff I don’t even recall saying until he repeats it back to me like a little parrot. Most of our day goes like this…….

Him: can I……
Me: no
Him: why not
Me: because I said no (famous last words, right?)
Him: but you said yesterday/last week/earlier…..
Me: (shit) I don’t think I said that (definitely remember saying it)
Him: uh huh mommy, you said…..

And then he spits out the whole conversation like he’s a little boy recording device. He still hates the “garbage man” for “taking his binki” last year. I was gonna have Santa take it but too many people told me that would scar him for life. My response was “well if he hates santa that’s less stuff we have to buy every year”. No one thought that was funny.

He’s started asking his dad if he can do stuff now instead of me. It’s just easier for him, this is why:

Him: daddy?
Dad: yes?
Him: can I…..
Dad: no
Him: but..
Dad: no
Him: please????????
Dad: no
Him: but daddy….
Dad: (wait for it, ahh here it comes)….. Alright! Go on then, just quit askin me.

The last time we went shopping he found a toy that he wanted, stupid me said “maybe next time”. I have to go to the store today. Any guesses about what will be said once we get there?

I know it’s early for x-mas stuff, but I usually start shopping at the end of August-beginning of September, except this year I think I have given up on shopping for people months in advance. I think this year I might just run out 2 days before Christmas and buy the first things I see. I really wouldn’t- but I do feel like it.

Every year I get the blahs at Christmas time. This has always bothered me as I could never really put my finger on the reason why. Then last year I had an epiphany. Sitting there watching everyone open gifts, I finally figured it out. I get the blah humbugs because no one takes the time to listen and really pay attention. People buy me stuff that I have a. never asked for, b. never shown an interest in, or c. have no idea what to do with- yes I’m talking about you –you who got me a matching Santa cookie jar, salt& pepper shakers, and napkin holder. I am one of those people that agonize over gift giving. I have to have the perfect gift or I go crazy. I might not spend large amounts of money on the gift but I do spend extreme amounts of time thinking about it. Hmmmm…what would be the perfect gift for him, her, etc…I finally realized why. Why I am so compulsive about gifts. I don’t want to be the one giving the disappointing gift. To me the only good part about Christmas is hearing “OMG how did you know I wanted this?”

Every year since I was five, Christmas has been a disappointment for me. Here are the reasons- and while they may seem petty to you, if I am gonna be honest about it I gotta tell it like it is.

When I was 4 ½ my brother was born. While this might have been a happy occasion for everyone else in my family, this was not the case for me. I was not only an only child; I was the only child in the entire family. Suddenly it was not all about me. Then the next year- yes that’s right- there was another one, this time a girl. Between brothers, sisters, and cousins it went on like this for some years. I finally got used to the fact that they weren’t going any where- I swear I did, and then my family found new ways to make Christmas horrible.

Flash forward to 12 year old me…….
All I can remember asking for this year was a new stereo. Seriously, from my Whole family all I wanted was this. So, a couple days before Christmas a huge box appeared next to the Christmas tree! With MY name on it!!! YIPPEEEE- not only was I getting a new stereo, it must be a GREAT one for such a box. Nope. It was a chair. A chair???!! WTF!!!
Now if you’ve ever been around a girl that’s 12 almost 13 you know that we have ummm what you might call attitudes. Mine was not great on this oh joyous of days, in fact I’m pretty sure I remember getting sent to my room. Let me explain the chair because this makes it even worse. My mom loves all things antique. Me, no. at twelve… hell no. It was a fake antique rocking chair, uh huh fake. You know- new chair made to look old. Worst x-mas gift ever. The thing that got me the most was that even at 12 I understood that if every one had given my mom 20 bucks instead of getting me a gift, and if she had taken the chair money and put it towards the ONLY THING I ASKED FOR, I could have had a kick ass stereo. I’m not bitter- no really, I promise.

My Holidays have continued on in this fashion.

Current 20 something me……...
My family still gives bad gifts. Apparently no one knows me. I mean it’s not that hard to get someone a generic gift even if you know them only slightly, and since this is my family shouldn’t they know me at least a little bit? Hello- for almost 30 years you have known I love to read, or that I like getting my hair cut- a lot, or since I’m married, I work, and I have a kid- a gift certificate to any restaurant would be nice (you know, not cooking for a change). How about this year you save your money, no more mindless gifts- I have a better idea. How bout this year we can all be in the same room at the same time with no family drama. That’s right, just think, 1 get together instead of the three we usually need just to separate the different parties not currently speaking to each other. I’m just sayin….. it might be nice.

As I mentioned I’m married now and while I love my husband- he is a terrible gift giver. He knows this. The second year we were together I ended up with 3 pajama sets from him. “3 sets of pajamas?” I asked him. He “didn’t know what to get me”. From this statement I get “I don’t really pay attention or listen to you.” The gift itself is not important to me, the fact that you know what I would like is. The next year I went as far as to write him a list of things that I wanted or needed. On x-mas morning not one thing from the list was there, however I did get some nice fuzzy slippers- he’s not all bad. His response was that if he got me the stuff on the list, I would know what I was getting. I told him as there were about 20 things on the list, he could have picked 5 or so and I would have never known exactly what they were till I opened them. “Huh” says he. Now we go on a “Christmas Weekend” somewhere instead of buying presents…it’s worked out well so far. He’s much better at picking out destinations than gifts.

Last year I decided to take back our Christmas (me, husband, and kid), and make ourselves happy. This will mean probably pissing off the rest of the family, but well they’re pissy already anyway. I think this year our “Christmas Weekend” will actually happen on Christmas day. That’s right, we will not be in town for the get together- no not that one, or that one either- instead we will be having a nice, happy (read: extended family free) Holiday somewhere that has nothing to do with my family.

I discussed this with my husband and son the other day. My husband thinks it is a great idea, and my son’s only question was whether or not Santa would know where to find him if we were not at home.

So this year my Christmas prayer goes something like this:
Jesus thank you for: the strength to ignore the things I can not change (my family), the ability to recognize the blessings I have received (his family), and the “presents” of mind to start my own traditions- while totally dismissing my family’s current ones.***



*** which always include at least 1 argument, sometimes the throwing of things, and once – a police response.

Sometimes I am exceedingly dumb/naive/stupid- take your pick. My friend L was over for a bbq on sunday and asked me if I had talked to our friend M any time recently. I said no, not since the beginning of july.

Alright here's a little back story:

I am not a bad friend, I will do anything( within reason) to help my friends out. However I do feel that I am an inconsiderate friend sometimes. I can go for weeks (or apparently sometimes months) without talking to someone and I'm fine with that. It just does not occur to me that I might hurt anyone's feelings by not calling or seeing them on a regular basis. This is why L and I are such good friends- sometimes I talk to her 3 or 4 times in 1 week and then sometimes it's a month.No matter how long it's been we pick up like we had just seen/talked yesterday. I also return calls in a timely manner, so if I haven't talked to someone in a while that means they probably have not called me either and I am fine with that- as you can probably tell I am a low maintenance friend.

Now M does not talk to L anymore. She hasn't in a long time, for whatever reasons, which I do not talk with L about because that is between them. I stay neutral, it's easier than expected. Their friendship was ended by M, so occasionally L will ask about her- I think she misses her. One day M just stopped calling or returning L's phone calls- no explanations were given as far as I know. Well, M discussed it with me but not L and my standard answer for L is "I don't know, you need to talk to her" Sometimes I feel like that is a cop out but I really feel like it's not my place to be in the middle. I love them both.

So the pattern of their un-friendship went like this:

• Less and less calling/answering calls
• strategic non-invites to family/friend gatherings
• no more girl nights
• more and more avoidance

until finally ending in L basically saying fuck it.

Okay so here is where I realize that I HAVE BEEN BEATING A DEAD HORSE, and it took me a long time to realize it.

After L asked how long it had been since I talked to M, she then asked how long it had been since I had seen her. It was like a fucking cartoon, I swear to god the little light bulb went on over my head and I realized- I had been phased out!! I was unfriended! As I took the time to really think about it I realized that I really, most definitely, how could you NOT?!, have seen this happening. I hadn't actually seen her since january- as in 9 months ago. Let me mention she only lives 25 minutes away from me. I had missed son # 2's baptism which had been mentioned in passing, but never received an invitation to, I have not been invited over to see new baby A.- and trust me M is the type of person who's house you don't just show up at.Ever. No baptism invite for baby A either.M did not come to my son's b-day and there was no b-day invite for Little M- this is my godson btw. Also no invites to any of the other normal every year things. she hardly ever returns my calls-I do call sometimes. Um Hello-Retarded Brain- The last time you talked to her she did say something about not really having friends.

As I write this I see that I was not an inconsiderate friend to her. I was a fucking horrible, bad, stupid, stupid, stupid friend. Yes she could have called me more or made time to come to my house, but knowing M's shyness and insecurities- this friendship was on me and I totally blew it.

Some friends just automatically know how important they are to you, and only need reassurance and support in times of emotional hardship. And some need you to stop being an inconsiderate fucking moron and actually be a good friend.

And as far as beating a dead horse goes, maybe that's what she felt like she was doing.

As I type this I am forcing myself to drink large glass of water #2. Forcing myself because:

1. I do not drink enough fluids. Really- I can go all day on 2 cups of coffee and 1 glass of water/tea/soda whatever. I can eat a whole meal without a drink. I know... I'm odd like that.
2. I am trying to lose weight. I have been assured that the more water I drink, the more "water weight" I will lose. I'm not sure I believe that but I'm gonna give it a try.
3. For some reason I am currently having a problem with acne!! Hello aren't you supposed to kinda grow out of acne? Any way a friend told me lots of water will help. We'll see.

So I have been saying this to myself all day:

" I must, I must, I must Increase....... My water intake?!"

yeah I know it doesn't have that great little ring to it that the other chant does(made famous by almost all teenage girls). But just saying it has made me smile today and remember the times when I secretly said the original. I mean come on it's like a right of passage for girls to stand in front of the bathroom mirror, cup their fingers together, do the hand pull and say..." I must, I must, I must increase my bust". Unless you were "precocious"- as i once heard my grandmother refer to a well endowed young lady- then you didn't need to say it. Or maybe you had said it enough. Hmmm.

So the dilema is that while I was young this chant did not work for me, I was not precocious. How ever as I got older, and gained an excessive amount of weight-to be discussed at a later date- the twins grew...alot. So if the new chant works,you know along with dieting and exercise, does that mean i'm gonna lose the only good thing that came with being fat?

That would work right into the story that is my life.

on to glass #3

Why? Why am I at work today?It's Labor Day. Uh huh. Labor. Day. And yet here I am with nothing to do. I'm not exaggerating I really have nothing to do. No work is being ordered because no one else is open, no mail to send or receive, no jobs to set up, no billing to do, and no phones to answer because- as I already mentioned NO ONE ELSE IS OPEN! At least not in the construction business which is my area of non-expertise. This is my first office job ever. I worked in a nursing home for 3 years (blech) and a restaurant for almost 8 years (double blech) so when my friend told me she had an opening in her office, I ran with it. How I got the job I do not know- see previous work experience, which has never included any kind of typing, filing, billing, etc.

I like my new job- no dying old people, or nasty customers demanding food- but sometimes it's very boring. But I can live with boring. I just need this job to last me long enough for my husband to finish school and then me. He'll be done in November I guess I should start thinking about what classes I want to take.

One thing I miss about the restaurant is the funny (read mostly stupid) people that worked there. I will admit that there was a group of us that were not so nice to the stupid people.I mean seriously it was just too easy to mess with them. Now, I am not ever gonna be close to being a rocket scientist but some people are just dumb.

For example:

One day we were out of helium for the balloons. One of the girls had a table with a birthday so she went in the back, blew up about 6 balloons, and then came back out front and asked us why they wouldn't float. What??!! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Another time one of the hostesses was sent on a hunt for evaporated water to clean the windows with. After about 10 minutes of looking she "couldn't find it", Really? so then the hunt was on for the cans of dehydrated water. She never found that either. Eventually someone handed her the windex but I'm not sure if anyone ever explained the dehydrated/evaporated deal to her. Poor thing.

Oh and don't forget the time the bartender dropped a glass and sent one of the servers on a mission for the glass magnet to clean it up. That's right glass magnet.

No wonder the customers were nasty about getting their food, I think we spent most of our time laughing at people.

When I was little my mom used to say to me "No comment from the peanut gallery".

It seems to me that everyone has a peanut gallery living in their head, you know the place where all of those sarcastic, snarky comments originate in your brain. I also believe that everyone has a filter between their brain and their mouth. For some people that filter doesn't work so well. Then, well... Then the peanut gallery has a field day.......

I am a smoker. I understand that for people who do not smoke it is nasty. Even smokers know this is a nasty habit- one day leading to a prolonged death of lung cancer or emphysema. I try to be respectful of that. I smoke outside. I voted yes to banning smoking in restaurants, I mean come on if you can sit through a 2 hour movie you can make it through dinner, Right? I do not smoke in my home or my car- I have a nonsmoking husband and a 3 year old. It's disrespectful to them to make the house/clothes/car smell like an ashtray- I totally get the nonsmokers point of view. What I don't get is why they think it's okay to walk up to a stranger and say stupid things.

Recently I was outside of a restaurant smoking. Out comes this guy who says to me "Didja know those things will kill ya?"

My brain screamed things like: No!Really?! Wow I didn't know that cause I have never watched the news, or read a magazine, or seen a truth commercial, or even read the side of a pack of cigarettes! Thank you for opening my eyes.
And things like: Really? Well did YOU know that being such a fat ass is gonna give you a heart attack one day? And how about the fact that a good doctor could fix a face that looks like that.

What came out was: "yeah...I know"

*sigh* too bad my filter was working